Saturday, January 12, 2008

It’s never easy letting go of something you’ve already learned to love or walking away from a place you’ve grown to know so well. But most of the time, experiences show us that there is always a time to leave, especially if it feels right to do so.

I’ve been at the edge of a cliff for the longest time. And although I’ve grown to love the thrill of being in the predicament of deciding whether to jump off or back away, it’s driven me to lose perspective of a lot of things.

I knew I was never going to jump – I was too much of a coward to actually do it. But I chose to keep it an option, while imagining how it could be if I finally do it. Whether I was going to fall flat on my face, or if by some miracle, fly. I’d always envision the latter, yet I knew the first one was more likely.

Backing away was apparently the more mature and logical thing to do, and somehow I know I’d wind up doing just that – it was only a matter of time. And whenever it would hurt so much I couldn’t take it, and I’d finally get the nerve to give up, I find myself looking back, and putting myself in the same position all over again.

For a year, I’ve been going ceaselessly through the same ordeal. Some of my friends thought I was crazy, while a few close ones flippantly said I was a masochist. And they’re not far from the truth. Even I think I was the stupidest person alive – way beyond reason. Yet, I chose to continue the insanity.

But it’s the end of the line. I’m done.

And no – this isn’t one of those times. I know I’ve had enough. And I found this out, not in the instance that I felt so much pain and helplessness that giving up was the only recourse. No, I knew I was ready to go in that very moment when I felt strong enough to finally face the truth.

In pain, I’m in my weakest, and the more I succumb to the thing that causes the weakness. But it was when everything was going fine, when I was surrounded by people who made me feel so loved, that I got a glimpse of happiness even without being able to fly. For so long, I’ve stayed in that cliff, thinking that at least, I was hoping to take a chance. I’ve held on to what I felt was the only thing worth caring about and paid no attention to other more important things. Evidently, I was wrong… dead wrong.

Now, I’m gradually backing off, step by step. No hesitations this time. Not even a little.

But no regrets. I’m even thankful for what happened, because I was able to know myself even more, and I was able to appreciate everything I have.

As for flying, I’ll get there.

Labels: life, love