So... what have I been doing lately, you ask? Well -- I've been working my butt off debating and training the High School Debate Society. Not really on top of my 'supposed' priorities but hey, I'm having fun. That's all that matters.

I'm still really bummed that I wasn't able to join the NDC this year - now that I deel I could've kicked some more ass than I did at the AUDC. So right now, half of the gang is in Baguio (both teams broke in the Octos by the way) and the other hald is stuck here in hot Dumaguete teaching 15-year olds how to debate. But don't get me wrong. It's not that I hate it (God knows I don't), it's just that I haven't really debated in a Brit Parl Competition and this could've been my chance. They say it's easier to break in NDC (well, APPARENTLY.)

And not to forget a very important detail - it's Euphemism's (take note, this is a name code) last tournament (i think) before he graduates. I'd at least want to see him go for the win for the last time. You see, I happen to know that he's never won a championship in anything (always the runner up) but he's a BRILLIANT debater, and I'd very much want to support him in this competition.

Sadly, my inability to talk money to my parents have caused me to miss such opportunity and ultimately skip what is perhaps my dream guy's last chance to capture the gold. I feel so bad. But I couldn't just mope around and wait for nothing. If they're debating in Baguio, then we might as well be debating here at home.

I'm also very ecstatic about my miraculous improvement over the past few days (I felt like i was so stagnant before). Out of 7 debates, I got 5 first place(s), and 2 second place(s). Lowest score I ever got was 74, and the highest was 77, which I'm quite proud of. This is actually better than the 71's and 72's I always had before. I've improved on my manner a lot -- no longer repeating myself and also being able to substantiate on my arguments more. Finally, I am able to grasp what Noel has been trying to tell me over and over in the past. With more practice, I just might be able to break in more tournaments! Hehe... I'm way over my head now.

Anyhoo, I'm preparing myself for VRDC. I aim to at least reach the finals. I'll be ready for them!

It simply amazes me how i can be so damn relaxed when i still got a million things to do! I feel like I'm in some crazy dimension where procrastination is the official language of all... or perhaps, I'm still in this dimension - people can be really lazy at times. Well, in my case, I'm lazy ALL THE TIME... so then that means that I'm really on a league of my own... hehe. (*shout out to the biggest procrastinators out there... your queen needs company) :)

I guess I just couldn't get over the whole mess this semester has turned out to be. The 4-month limbo just reeks lunacy. As much as I'd like to throw everything away, and forget everything as soon as possible, i'm having a really difficult time. Perhaps the fear of having to face a lot of responsibilities has taken over me... and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough (or skilled enough) to actually go through them without exacerbating the situation further, or damaging things I treasure the most - my family and my relationships with other people.

But who else is there to blame but myself? I was the one who got all stupid and started doing things without thinking twice. I was the one who deliberately neglected the things I should've prioritized way more than what I thought was fun and exciting. I was the one who foolishly mislead myself into thinking that what I do today doesn't really have that much effect on my future.

Ignorant, foolish, stupid me.

It took all this drama to wake me up... to bring me back to my senses. I'm eighteen. I'm supposed to be an adult.

I'm supposed to be mature enough to make the right decisions, to do the right things. This is the real deal now. I can't keep on calling out for my mom when I mess up. How can I ever stand up on my own two feet if she keeps bailing me out of every stupid mistake I make? Nobody - not even me - could live like that.

A new life -- there's nothing more I would want. An opportunity to start over, to use the past as a guide for me to do the right things. I know that it's not going to be perfect, nor is it going to be smooth-sailing. But I know it's the only way for me to change... not necessarily undo my mistakes, i couldn't do that. I just want to make things right.

The problem is - I don't know where to start... or even WHEN to start. The problems I have right now, I have yet to face. If only I could run away just to be done with it, I seriously would. But in the real world, people like me solve their problems the right way.

But as of this moment, I feel really REALLY crappy...