Friday, October 13, 2006
scribbled by anna katrina
2:01 AM | 1 comments
2:01 AM | 1 comments
Unparalleled
It simply amazes me how i can be so damn relaxed when i still got a million things to do! I feel like I'm in some crazy dimension where procrastination is the official language of all... or perhaps, I'm still in this dimension - people can be really lazy at times. Well, in my case, I'm lazy ALL THE TIME... so then that means that I'm really on a league of my own... hehe. (*shout out to the biggest procrastinators out there... your queen needs company) :)
I guess I just couldn't get over the whole mess this semester has turned out to be. The 4-month limbo just reeks lunacy. As much as I'd like to throw everything away, and forget everything as soon as possible, i'm having a really difficult time. Perhaps the fear of having to face a lot of responsibilities has taken over me... and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough (or skilled enough) to actually go through them without exacerbating the situation further, or damaging things I treasure the most - my family and my relationships with other people.
But who else is there to blame but myself? I was the one who got all stupid and started doing things without thinking twice. I was the one who deliberately neglected the things I should've prioritized way more than what I thought was fun and exciting. I was the one who foolishly mislead myself into thinking that what I do today doesn't really have that much effect on my future.
Ignorant, foolish, stupid me.
It took all this drama to wake me up... to bring me back to my senses. I'm eighteen. I'm supposed to be an adult.
I'm supposed to be mature enough to make the right decisions, to do the right things. This is the real deal now. I can't keep on calling out for my mom when I mess up. How can I ever stand up on my own two feet if she keeps bailing me out of every stupid mistake I make? Nobody - not even me - could live like that.
A new life -- there's nothing more I would want. An opportunity to start over, to use the past as a guide for me to do the right things. I know that it's not going to be perfect, nor is it going to be smooth-sailing. But I know it's the only way for me to change... not necessarily undo my mistakes, i couldn't do that. I just want to make things right.
The problem is - I don't know where to start... or even WHEN to start. The problems I have right now, I have yet to face. If only I could run away just to be done with it, I seriously would. But in the real world, people like me solve their problems the right way.
But as of this moment, I feel really REALLY crappy...
I guess I just couldn't get over the whole mess this semester has turned out to be. The 4-month limbo just reeks lunacy. As much as I'd like to throw everything away, and forget everything as soon as possible, i'm having a really difficult time. Perhaps the fear of having to face a lot of responsibilities has taken over me... and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough (or skilled enough) to actually go through them without exacerbating the situation further, or damaging things I treasure the most - my family and my relationships with other people.
But who else is there to blame but myself? I was the one who got all stupid and started doing things without thinking twice. I was the one who deliberately neglected the things I should've prioritized way more than what I thought was fun and exciting. I was the one who foolishly mislead myself into thinking that what I do today doesn't really have that much effect on my future.
Ignorant, foolish, stupid me.
It took all this drama to wake me up... to bring me back to my senses. I'm eighteen. I'm supposed to be an adult.
I'm supposed to be mature enough to make the right decisions, to do the right things. This is the real deal now. I can't keep on calling out for my mom when I mess up. How can I ever stand up on my own two feet if she keeps bailing me out of every stupid mistake I make? Nobody - not even me - could live like that.
A new life -- there's nothing more I would want. An opportunity to start over, to use the past as a guide for me to do the right things. I know that it's not going to be perfect, nor is it going to be smooth-sailing. But I know it's the only way for me to change... not necessarily undo my mistakes, i couldn't do that. I just want to make things right.
The problem is - I don't know where to start... or even WHEN to start. The problems I have right now, I have yet to face. If only I could run away just to be done with it, I seriously would. But in the real world, people like me solve their problems the right way.
But as of this moment, I feel really REALLY crappy...