Wednesday, December 12, 2007
scribbled by anna katrina
8:13 PM | 0 comments
8:13 PM | 0 comments
A Sincere Apology
I am hurting so much I don’t even know if this is going to be a decent entry. I know I’ve been posting really senti stuff the past few weeks – which perhaps annoyed the hell out of you already – but this entry promises to top the list of most heartbreaking experiences in my life that I decided to share with you.
More than anything, I feel so alone. I’ve never been this alone before. My family seems so distant (well, my parents are in Manila), my brods and sis all are busy, I haven’t seen my barkada in weeks, and the people I thought were my home when everything else in my life was messed up, turned out to be the people who hate me the most.
I honestly don’t know exactly what I did wrong – what ticked them off, what made them want to stay away from me. But I’m not saying I had no faults. If they went to the extent of trying to kick me out of the group, then something must have happened.
Based on previous experiences, the main reason why people get mad at me is my tactlessness, or my insensitivity to others. Well, that is something I’m still working on until now. But I guess there were more issues about me now.
They told me I was a power-grub. That I was so obsessed with glory that I forgot to be human. I’m not going to deny it. Maybe I had my eye on the prize ever since, and I was willing to do everything to get it. BUT hurting people intentionally wasn’t part of my plan. NOT AT ALL. I even wanted them to share victories with me. Well, I guess I rubbed them the wrong way. And for that, I’m incredibly sorry.
They told me I was a snob. That I chose who I talked to – that the people who weren’t at my level were ‘nobodies’ for me. Again, I am sorry. I must admit, that the people I hung out with most of the time had the same interests, the same passion as me. Maybe I forgot about the others, or refused to get to know them because I didn’t need any more ‘companions,’ so to say. But honestly, I would give anything to get to know them. And develop relationships with them. I probably was too proud and too focused to do so.
They told me my actions were very harsh. Shucks. Apart from my tactlessness, this is also a problem of mine. I may seem really mean, but I’m not. I may seem angry, but I’m not. I may seem like I dismiss people I don’t like, but I don’t. I blame it on my being lost. I blame it on my insensitivity still. Forgive me.
I’m not going to justify my actions – or I’m not going to turn myself into the victim here. I’m the reason why there were problems, and what’s really sad is, I didn’t even have a tiny inkling. When I decided to quit, I thought it was because I was leaving the problem. Oh God, little did I know, if I really left, then I take the problem with me. Better for them, I presume. I thought I was doing myself a favor. Again, I was mistaken.
Hahay. I can’t really undo the damage I’ve caused. I can’t really ask people to trust me again. That’s their choice. All I want to say is that I had no intentions of hurting anybody. Not at all. I love you all so much – more than the passion we share. So if it would be best for me to leave, I will. I’m not going to compromise our friendships just because of shallow victories.
I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me. But if you’ll need more time, I
More than anything, I feel so alone. I’ve never been this alone before. My family seems so distant (well, my parents are in Manila), my brods and sis all are busy, I haven’t seen my barkada in weeks, and the people I thought were my home when everything else in my life was messed up, turned out to be the people who hate me the most.
I honestly don’t know exactly what I did wrong – what ticked them off, what made them want to stay away from me. But I’m not saying I had no faults. If they went to the extent of trying to kick me out of the group, then something must have happened.
Based on previous experiences, the main reason why people get mad at me is my tactlessness, or my insensitivity to others. Well, that is something I’m still working on until now. But I guess there were more issues about me now.
They told me I was a power-grub. That I was so obsessed with glory that I forgot to be human. I’m not going to deny it. Maybe I had my eye on the prize ever since, and I was willing to do everything to get it. BUT hurting people intentionally wasn’t part of my plan. NOT AT ALL. I even wanted them to share victories with me. Well, I guess I rubbed them the wrong way. And for that, I’m incredibly sorry.
They told me I was a snob. That I chose who I talked to – that the people who weren’t at my level were ‘nobodies’ for me. Again, I am sorry. I must admit, that the people I hung out with most of the time had the same interests, the same passion as me. Maybe I forgot about the others, or refused to get to know them because I didn’t need any more ‘companions,’ so to say. But honestly, I would give anything to get to know them. And develop relationships with them. I probably was too proud and too focused to do so.
They told me my actions were very harsh. Shucks. Apart from my tactlessness, this is also a problem of mine. I may seem really mean, but I’m not. I may seem angry, but I’m not. I may seem like I dismiss people I don’t like, but I don’t. I blame it on my being lost. I blame it on my insensitivity still. Forgive me.
I’m not going to justify my actions – or I’m not going to turn myself into the victim here. I’m the reason why there were problems, and what’s really sad is, I didn’t even have a tiny inkling. When I decided to quit, I thought it was because I was leaving the problem. Oh God, little did I know, if I really left, then I take the problem with me. Better for them, I presume. I thought I was doing myself a favor. Again, I was mistaken.
Hahay. I can’t really undo the damage I’ve caused. I can’t really ask people to trust me again. That’s their choice. All I want to say is that I had no intentions of hurting anybody. Not at all. I love you all so much – more than the passion we share. So if it would be best for me to leave, I will. I’m not going to compromise our friendships just because of shallow victories.
I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me. But if you’ll need more time, I