Wednesday, December 12, 2007

scribbled by anna katrina
8:13 PM | 0 comments

A Sincere Apology

I am hurting so much I don’t even know if this is going to be a decent entry. I know I’ve been posting really senti stuff the past few weeks – which perhaps annoyed the hell out of you already – but this entry promises to top the list of most heartbreaking experiences in my life that I decided to share with you.

More than anything, I feel so alone. I’ve never been this alone before. My family seems so distant (well, my parents are in Manila), my brods and sis all are busy, I haven’t seen my barkada in weeks, and the people I thought were my home when everything else in my life was messed up, turned out to be the people who hate me the most.

I honestly don’t know exactly what I did wrong – what ticked them off, what made them want to stay away from me. But I’m not saying I had no faults. If they went to the extent of trying to kick me out of the group, then something must have happened.

Based on previous experiences, the main reason why people get mad at me is my tactlessness, or my insensitivity to others. Well, that is something I’m still working on until now. But I guess there were more issues about me now.

They told me I was a power-grub. That I was so obsessed with glory that I forgot to be human. I’m not going to deny it. Maybe I had my eye on the prize ever since, and I was willing to do everything to get it. BUT hurting people intentionally wasn’t part of my plan. NOT AT ALL. I even wanted them to share victories with me. Well, I guess I rubbed them the wrong way. And for that, I’m incredibly sorry.

They told me I was a snob. That I chose who I talked to – that the people who weren’t at my level were ‘nobodies’ for me. Again, I am sorry. I must admit, that the people I hung out with most of the time had the same interests, the same passion as me. Maybe I forgot about the others, or refused to get to know them because I didn’t need any more ‘companions,’ so to say. But honestly, I would give anything to get to know them. And develop relationships with them. I probably was too proud and too focused to do so.

They told me my actions were very harsh. Shucks. Apart from my tactlessness, this is also a problem of mine. I may seem really mean, but I’m not. I may seem angry, but I’m not. I may seem like I dismiss people I don’t like, but I don’t. I blame it on my being lost. I blame it on my insensitivity still. Forgive me.

I’m not going to justify my actions – or I’m not going to turn myself into the victim here. I’m the reason why there were problems, and what’s really sad is, I didn’t even have a tiny inkling. When I decided to quit, I thought it was because I was leaving the problem. Oh God, little did I know, if I really left, then I take the problem with me. Better for them, I presume. I thought I was doing myself a favor. Again, I was mistaken.

Hahay. I can’t really undo the damage I’ve caused. I can’t really ask people to trust me again. That’s their choice. All I want to say is that I had no intentions of hurting anybody. Not at all. I love you all so much – more than the passion we share. So if it would be best for me to leave, I will. I’m not going to compromise our friendships just because of shallow victories.

I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me. But if you’ll need more time, I
About Me



Name: Anna Katrina Espino
Nickname: Anna, Teebak, Hanna
Alias: the original Queen B*tch and the ultimate coffee addict
Age: 20
School: Silliman University

Indulges in:
*too much debating
*junk food
*books
*sensible conversations
*coffee!
*uninterrupted sleep

Detests:
*waking up early
*airheads and dumb-dumbs
*being broke
*disrepectful people
*losing

Hopes to be:
*the best damn debater in the world!
*a kick-ass lawyer
*an author of a New York bestseller (haha!)
*an independent woman (chorva)
*the owner of a Lexus IS 220



I am the biggest procrastinator alive. I'm generally a nice person but I can be a real mean bitch when provoked. I am a coffee addict. My passion is debate. I can sleep for more than twenty-four hours, but I can also last three whole days without a wink of sleep. People say I'm an extrovert, but really, I feel otherwise. I'm just too talkative -- that's all (probably because of debating too much). I love my God. I seem happy and cheerful most of the time... just don't dare ruin my day. I hate going to classes I know I can learn better about by just reading a book (in short, I hate defective teachers). I am a frustrated writer. I like intellectual conversations over coffee, and non-sensical ones over booze. I recently discovered the wonders of tea. I love music. I sing too. Once in a while, I try composing songs, but I usually end up with unfinished stanzas. I'm a real fastfood junkie and a huge couch potato. I can watch romantic comedies ALL DAY. By the way, I am Tracy McGrady's biggest fan. I'm all for the rainbow, if you know what I mean. I hate people who don't know when to stop and I DESPISE airheads. Some know-it-all's think they got me all figured out, but really, they have NO IDEA.






Links
Bloggers!

you can find me on:

  • yahoo360
  • facebook
  • friendster
  • multiply
  • livejournal
  • tagged

    people i know

  • lametations of terrible beauty
  • of beer and pen
  • tales of the loquacious lady
  • clash of the bull and the frog
  • la Jota a la Claudia
  • pure me
  • bittersweet
  • inconvenient reality
  • constipated psyche
  • angel spring's haven
  • au naturel
  • just got lost
  • save me from this world
  • be present, be here
  • i write sins, not tragedies
  • desensitized
  • ang pagdadalaga ni bob young
  • who wants to fuck me?!
  • squisii sushii
  • potpourri
  • tig-sulat pod baya ko...
  • the vegan prince
  • wild toga party for g[r]eeks
  • fin lust
  • while staring at you
  • exit to exist
  • colored rockets

    Silliman Debate Society

  • point of information
  • the venting machine
  • markie-mark
  • kristi's second
  • bulaw daw
  • the istaki doll code
  • 9th wanderer
  • wandering step
  • moisture is the essence of wetness
  • sugar rush
  • endless bliss
  • claudiopoi
  • seafoamjazz
  • songs of my heart

    debate community

  • debate asia
  • the last vehicle
  • bad rabbit
  • free all angels
  • tickle me pink
  • bad boy of senti
  • coffee is me
  • food for thought
  • Rosseau
  • paranoid pluto
  • a woman without equal
  • bok's den
  • alzhoeir hajim
  • the adventures of zed
  • peppermint streak
  • viewing the world
  • for the times a-changin'
  • brackets
  • here goes whatever
  • ang munting bukayo

    mga char

  • writing on air
  • spy in the sandwich
  • ala-ism
  • notes from the peanut gallery
  • pebbles and sex

    Forums

  • Visayas Debate Union
  • Mindanao Parliamentary Debate Union

    The freak recommends:

  • world debate website
  • debate and issue 101
  • Philippine short stories
  • RENT the Musical
  • Sham Sports - real funny stuff
  • Tracy McGrady
  • That 70's Show
  • Horny Manatee
  • youtube
  • blogthings
  • blogskins
  • ultimate guitar
  • The Guardian
  • BBC website


    my beloved peeps. haha.






















    Let bygones be bygones
    January 2006
    May 2006
    July 2006
    August 2006
    September 2006
    October 2006
    November 2006
    December 2006
    January 2007
    February 2007
    March 2007
    April 2007
    June 2007
    July 2007
    August 2007
    September 2007
    October 2007
    November 2007
    December 2007
    January 2008
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    December 2009
    January 2010




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