Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I just had a really good conversation with a friend yesterday.

It actually surprised me that we were able to talk about something other than the people we hate, or corny but laugh-out-loud jokes, and other super shallow stuff. It all started when she said, "I wanna go back to being a bitch."

I tried desperately to hide my shock since I didn't want her to think I wasn't open to the conversation. "What do you mean?", was all I could utter. She told me that she wasn't as open now as she was before. way back when, she was a social animal, a drinker, a smoker, you fill in the blanks. Nobody was safe from her pranks, her attitude, her 'bitchin' if I might say so. I was wondering why anybody would want to go back to being somebody whom ideally, everybody hated. Why?

She told me that she feels empty...as if something big was missing in her life. She was simply confused, she added. She doesn't know who she really is, or what she's really meant to do in this world. One minute, she wants to be this; the next, she sees herself differently. For me, this was really odd because she was one of the few people I know who stands out in the crowd. Her distinct personality would always come out whoever she was with. I never thought someone like her could still be confused about who she is.

After a few minutes, we ended the conversation because she had to leave. After she left, it got me thinking about my own life. If she was this miserable, what of me? I don't want to admit that I, too, am confused. It just makes me think harder. I don't have time to think about myself right now, honestly. But the more I stay away, the harder it becomes. I start to ask questions I don't think anybody else could answer but me. The problem is, even I haven't found out the answers yet.

Tawi, a good friend, once told me that I'm like a chameleon. I adapt to the people I'm with. If I'm with drinkers, I drink. If I'm with smokers, I smoke. If I'm with intelligent people, I talk about simple stuff as if it were something as deep as the ocean. If I'm with writers and poets, I start to like poems and stories three notches higher than I normally do. If I'm with rebels, I talk bad about my folks. If I'm with religious people, I talk like I never miss church. If I'm with leaders, I act like a leader.

I'm not sure if it was a complement or an insult. Tawi assured me that it was a good thing. But something about it was telling me otherwise. And the thing is, I couldn't get mad because all of the things he said are true. I am a chameleon. People see me as the person I show them I am. Some people view me as a bitch, but some see me as a nerd. Some think I'm intelligent and some think I'm nothing but a student who went astray. Some see how responsible I am, and some see the lazy nobody in me. What bothers me the most is that I try to keep the images I've projected to the different groups. Instead of correcting them so I can be just one person, I make things worse by making more of my "personalities."

It's getting harder and harder for me. I can't even light a cigarette without making sure that nobody is around who knows me as the type of person who would never smoke.

As much as I'm having the time of my life with everybody else, when I'm alone, I don't really know who I am. I keep asking myself if I'm happy with what I have become. Time by myself has become a burden. That is why I always want to be surrounded by people. Being alone makes me do things like what I'm doing now - pouring my heart out in some stupid entry for everybody to see. Then again, the readers just might be able to help me find out who I am.

What's the chameleon's real color? Only when the chameleon stops trying to change, that's when we'll know.

I hope that day comes.