Walking Away

For the New Year

2010-01-02T19:51:00.000-08:00

I have just one resolution for the new year because if I make too many, I'm pretty sure I'm bound to forget some and ignore the others. So I have just one -- lose weight. Yes, you read it right. I am losing weight this year. And it's not because I don't love myself or I have low self-esteem or whatever. Everyone knows I embrace my figure with a smile. However, considering the lifestyle I have and the medical history our family has, it's about time I start caring about my health. Being overweight obviously does not help that cause. And so, I have decided to hit the gym, hire a nutritionist (who accepts friendship as payment, in short, Irish) and avoid sweets, dairy and junk food starting tomorrow. I am determined to do this. *talking to self* You can do it, Anna!

wala lang

2009-12-23T00:23:00.001-08:00

hello. mic test?

I moved...

2008-07-12T03:36:00.000-07:00

Hi guys! I moved to my new home - metanoia - I sure am going to miss this blog... but it's about time to move on. Hehehehe. :D

If you have me listed in your links, I hope you take the time to change my url (http://grandarchoness.blogspot.com) I'll see you in my new site! =)

keep blogging and bloghopping!

cheers,

Anna Banana ^___^

next time, lock the freakin' door!

2008-07-07T00:33:00.001-07:00

The craziest thing just happened. As in 30 minutes ago.

I walked in on our maid and some unknown guy. They were DOING IT.

It all started when these guys my Mom hired to fix the plumbing in the kitchen arrived and knocked on the door. I was in Romina's room watching TV, and I was pretty sure that my Mom or my Dad gave the maid instructions as to what to tell the plumbers, so I ignored the knocking, thinking that she'll answer the door anyway.

But then the plumbers started saying "Ayo" out loud and nobody answered, I started wondering where the hell the maid was. So I came out of Romina's room, (swore I heard a gasp of some sort), and opened our maid's room.

I saw her become frantic as she looked into my eyes, immediately covering her lower body with a blanket (thank God she was wearing a shirt) and after a second, I shifted my gaze to this topless guy lying on the bed, looking all exhausted (and surprised) trying to be as still as possible - probably hoping I won't notice his presence. Uh, ya right.

Not knowing what to do, I immediately decided to act all cool and do exactly what I came there for.

"Day, naa'y tawo sa gawas." (and apparently inside too...)
"Oo, time sa," was her only response.

Without changing the expression on my face, I closed the door, mouthed the words, "Oh my God" and went directly back to my sister's room where I spent around a minute laughing silently.

It was a good thing it wasn't my Dad who walked in on them.
And... at least I didn't actually see the DEED, just the shuffling and the shocked looks on their faces, which... pretty much amused me. Haha.
But good Lord, I hope I won't get to see anything like that again.

I have a feeling someone's going to be so much nicer to me now... *wink* =)

Gammans on the loose at El Camino

2008-07-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last danced like crazy. It's a good thing Pan Hellenic Society was a sponsor of the party at El Camino last night. It was rockin! We brought the house down. =)

Til next party. Can't wait. =)

flirting...

2008-07-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

should be made illegal. It almost always leads to something else, don't you think?

The government has to protect its people from two-timing heartbreakers everywhere. Therefore, punishment is necessary as a deterrent.

But that's just me thinking aloud. =)

Sunday fun

2008-06-30T00:18:00.000-07:00

After gatecrashing at SUCN's acquaintance party last Saturday, I left with my brods and sis to hang out at Silliman Beach, where I saw my little sister drink alcohol for the first time (don't worry - she didn't like it. Haha.) We were planning our usual morning-the-night session when the rain poured so we headed to Caesar's house to finish pricing the stuff we were going to sell at our early morning Rummage Sale.

While waiting for 5 am, we played cards, fooled around at the computer room and scared the hell out of Ish playing Peter Answers. Haha. At 5 am, we headed out to the Cathedral to start selling our old stuff. It was so fun! It was a bit hard selling my 600 peso shirt for 50 pesos but it was all ok. While Rush was chanting "Palit na mo, palit na mo, barato ra, barato ra!" (buy our stuff, they're very cheap) everyone was making tawad. In the end, we were able to sell all of the clothes and earned 2,000 pesos. After having puto and tsokolate at the tiangge, we headed home to prepare for the beach.

Romina and I worked on the dessert we were going to bring, Mango Pandan, and at 11 am, David and the rest of the gang picked us up. We went to Wuthering Heights in San Jose, which was around 45 minutes away from the city.

I went home at around 6 pm, slept and woke up at 1 pm the next day. I absolutely loved it. =)

this is gonna be a downer, people

2008-06-26T00:02:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a bit low today.

I was surfing the net and bloghopping (as I always do everyday at this hour) when I noticed something peculiar. I was looking for someone in my list of contacts in Multiply because I haven't heard from that person for a long time, but I couldn't find him. I thought that maybe, he changed his account name - but when I checked a common friend's list, he was there.

Then I remembered that just last week, I browsed another friend's contacts in Facebook and saw his account with an "Add as a friend" tag which only meant that he wasn't my contact yet - BUT I was pretty sure that he was one of the first people I added as a friend when I started out in the site. But I added him up anyway, thinking that maybe it was just an accident that I got removed from his list of friends.

I was already a bit taken aback - because if it were an accident, then getting removed from the friend list of the same person in both Multiply and Facebook would be a BIG coincidence. So I went to his blog. And when I looked at his links, I was no longer there.

I honestly don't know what's going on. Obviously, this person is mad at me or wants to stay away from me. I respect his decision, but I at least want to know why or what happened. I want to reach out but I'm afraid of just being shot down. I'm not a confrontational kind of person - anything like that will simply destroy me.

But I do want to know the truth, not because I want things back to the way they were, (coz I know that will never happen) but because I want to set records straight. If there's one thing I truly want to avoid in this lifetime, it's letting friendships die even when I don't want them to. I've had pretty painful experiences like that in the past, and I refuse to put myself in the same ordeal again, of having to let go of someone without even trying to convince him or her to stay.

I know I'm not perfect, but God knows I don't want to hurt anybody.

Maybe I'm just a bad friend. =(

all about the boob tube

2008-06-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

Since I've been doing pretty much - nothing - these past few days, I have become the ultimate couch potato, spending hours and hours just in front of the TV. Don't worry, I have come to realize that it isn't healthy, so I told myself that I'm only going to watch what I NEED to watch. Hopefully I follow my TV 'diet.'

I can't get enough of Gossip Girl. Deception, romance and scheming rich kids make this series one of my all time favorites. I love Georgina's character (played by Michelle Trachtenberg) - well, actually I love hating her. Haha.

My favorite sitcom since Will and Grace, How I Met Your Mother Season 2 did not disappoint. But I must admit, Barney IS the show. Haha. I was kinda hoping there would be more tension between Ted and Robin like in the first season, but since Marshall and Lily have now split up, it's ok. =)

Haha. I'm so jologs, right? Oh well, I will shamelessly admit that I enjoy watching My Girl. I wasn't able to watch the Korean version, but if it was anything like this one, I'm sure I'd enjoy it too. It's very light, just focusing on one main story (Jasmine posing as Julian's long lost cousin) so it's not complicated like the other abs-cbn telenovelas. I like Kim's charm, she's perfect for the role. Plus, I'm crushing on Jeffrey. That's one more reason to watch it. Haha.

Which leads me to the Pinoy Dream Academy (the two shows are the only ones I watch in ABS). Why the hell are they ganging up on Laarni? I really feel sorry for her. I mean, she's been through a lot already but some of the scholars still won't give her a break. Who am I talking about? Well, there's the spoiled brat Bea, the ever so OA Apple, the trying too hard Jet and the obviously maya Iñaki. They're all elitist, I tell you. I hope Laarni gets saved this Saturday. Hmpf

That's all. Will post some more soon. =)

New brods and sis!

2008-06-23T23:42:00.001-07:00

Last Sunday, we welcomed a new batch of Gammans - Adiaipeta Eita or the Undivided Seven. One of them, was my little sister, Romina! They've gone through so much and they truly deserve to be part of this organization. Here's to more activities and more bondings! Lucila Lalu!

Today I make my vow,
To prepare for service and learn the nobility of serving
To be rather than seem
To be obedient
To be the best that is within me
To seek understanding, to gain wisdom
To look for the good in everyone
To see beauty
To be humble
To be devoted
To seek the truth
And to remember the foundation of Gamma Phi Fraternity and Gamma Sigma Sorority is love, the greatest of all things.

Pan Hellenic Society

hanging out

2008-06-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Carlo and I decided to hang out at How Yang (just coz there was nowhere else we could go where it wasn't too crowded) to unwind and just talk about everything going on in our little lives. It's been the same routine since the semester started – I wait for Clyde and Carlo's classes to end, go to their rooms to fetch them (ironic, eh?) and then just spend the hours chilling.

This time though, Clyde was nowhere to be seen. We later on found out that Carlo's Clyde-ditched-us-to-drink-with-his-other-friends speculation was all wrong and Clyde's phone did die on him righ when he was about to reply to my 'wer you?' text message.

Oh well, the two of us still had fun just laughing and getting excited over future plans. Heew is what the two of us have achieved in that little date of ours:

-->We took turns talking to my cousin on the phone for almost an hour – Carlo, about his relationship and how in a matter of a week, tney were able to break up three times and get back together again and again; and me, about how lousy my day was, how I visited my college and found out that I was actually pre-enlisted and so, without my knowledge, I've been missing my 'classes’ this entire time even if I didn’t even enroll. Kuya, being the darling that he is, just laughed. We love him.

-->We planned out our trip to Cebu next weekend – which included a night at The Loft and the infamous Doce. I’ve never tried the nightlife in Cebu, so I’m super thrilled. It’s a good thing I’m coming with experienced party-goers. This way, I can get tips on how not to look like a scared and lost puppy on the dance floor. At my personal request, we also have an afternoon planned at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. I miss my ice blended mocha, screw Starbucks. Hopefully we can drag Clyde there. HE HAS TO COME

-->Because we were very eager to ‘expand’ the trio that is me, Carlo, and Clyde, we have come up with a list of people we thought could join the gang. How did we do this? Well, we made a 6-item criteria where each one will be rated from 1-10. The three important things I wanted from them: intelligence, culture and good social skills. Carlo’s was simpler (er, mor shallow if you ask me): looks, money and free time. Then he claimed that I took all the good ones so he was left with the three (uh, ya right.) After rating all the prospects, we narrowed down the list to four people. The final test will be the ‘hanging out’ part – whoever clicks the best with the three of us, will be the lucky dude. HAHAHAHA. If you ask me, this is so high school – but hey, it’s just for laughs. I doubt if anyone would want to associate her/himself with us anyway. LOL.

I’ll tell you how everything goes, promise. =) Til next time.

I'll be gone for a while...

2008-06-17T23:02:00.000-07:00

It was a tough decision to make, but I had to make it - for the less obvious reasons, I suppose. I really don't want to get into it, what matters is that I'm openly admitting that I'll be gone for a while.

I didn't enroll this semester. In a few weeks, I'm leaving for Manila. No, I'm not going to work there, I just need a change of scenery. I might be there for a while, whole month of July - before I visit Ilo-Ilo. And then I'm looking into a vacation in Germany. A Eurotrip with my cousin would do me a lot of good. Just imagine: Paris and Venice in August. Who could resist? It was my Mom and Dad who suggested I should get out of the country for a while - to give me time and space to think. And I thought, why not?

But I'm still sad to leave. I've been in this routine for so long that it seems a bit weird that I'm doing something else with my time right now, rather than attending my classes. But maybe it's precisely what I need -- a break from the routine.

Anyway, I couldn't be more pleased with my decision. And when I come back from my 'sabbatical,' hopefully I'll know what to do with my life, or at least, have a little bit of direction.

Enough with the drama. See you soon! =)

of love and good booze

2008-06-15T02:36:00.000-07:00

Because I vowed to be an active blogger from now on, I was racking my brain for something to write about. Nothing emotional but not completely worthless. When I came up with nothing, I decided to look at my blog drafts - the ones I never got to finish. And voila! I found this piece which was supposed to be a graduation entry. But since March is way, way past us, I'm just going to share this bit which seemed the most interesting.

One inuman night, someone (I don't remember who - I'm starting to think it was me, hehe) asked: what was the one thing you learned about love in college?

Dirgy: Love is elusive. (Oh Grace, why elude Dirg? haha.)

Lyde: Love is a choice, and sometimes you make the wrong decision (this coming from the guy who fell in love with a complete loser... joke!)

Mich: Love is about taking one step at a time and just being happy with someone. (obviously Mich has a blooming love life)

Pong: Love is just one of the two most powerful forces in the world; the other one is hate. (it's so... pong)

Marianne: Love is overrated. (A nonbeliever everyone!)

Clyde: Love evades even the brightest of minds (wahahaha, feeling bright!)

Donna: Love is sex, Love is good, therefore sex is good! (Might I point out that at this time, Donna was as red as a tomato... but she was still able to show what she learned in Logic class! haha)

Jordan: Love is non-existent. (Another nonbeliever!)

Anna: Perhaps the greatest tragedy known to man is unrequited love. (To which Pong replied, "Diba AIDS?")

Aww. I miss moments like these. :( Oh well. I'll just leave you with this quote from a friend also from that bunch,

"A drunk mind speaks the language of a sober heart..."

Another school year... another debate adventure!

2008-06-13T00:28:00.000-07:00

My debate year is probably going to be slightly different this time. Last year, I maxed my debating and joined every tournament I could. This year, however, I'll mostly be on the sidelines, cheering Silliman on. Not the wisest decision, as many have told me. They claim that my debate career is at its prime and it would be foolish to stop now. I, however, believe that I need the break, regardless of how much I'm going to miss the adrenaline rush of being in a heated match against the most brilliant minds in Philippine debating.

Nonetheless, I'm still excited for Silliman Debate Society. I hope the new bloods will prove that Silliman will always be the one to look out for, and soon, the one to beat.

Pinoy ako!

2008-06-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

In honor of our independence day, I decided to write about... me! Haha. That is, me and what makes me distinctly Filipino. I really like embracing my culture ^___^ - although I probably am talking about the Filipino popular culture of my generation. Hehe. Nonetheless, here are 10 things that I'm pretty sure can prove I'm truly Pinoy:

1.) I absolutely am addicted to banana cue, hilaw na mangga with bago-ong, dirty ice cream, fishballs and balut! The best food in the world for me is Filipino food... especially if they're sold on the streets. Haha.

2.) I love the barrio - the simplicity of everyday life in the province is so inviting. Not to mention, the warmth amd hospitality of the residents, even when they don't know you. I especially love fiestas! They're always so lively amd colorful and nakakabusog.

3.) I enjoyed watching Jolina Magdangal movies while growing up! Back then, I actually believed she had great fashion sense. Haha. Whatever, no matter how jologs Jolina may have been, I would like to believe she contributed so much to the young pinoy pop culture! Chuva choo choo!

4.) I can shamelessly sing for hours and hours in a videoke bar - belting songs by Aegis. Hahahaha. It's always best to be in the company of confident singers though. KJs just ruin the mood. It doesn't matter if you're sintonado - if you can carry the song, go! :D

5.) I am as cheap as hell. Shopping is always fun for me coz I love making tawad especially in tiangges. I have my Mom to thank for this. I once paid P200 for a 350-peso bag! Ha! Although, because I was so excited about my purchase, I almost forgot my change. It was a good thing that Ale from Farmer's Market was honest enough to call me back.

6.) I love big families! Reunions are always fun that way. Take for example, the Guasa's (my Mom's side). There are 13 brothers and sisters (aged 50 to 70+), all of them have families. On average, each family has 5 children, the oldest of which is already 40 plus. The older part of that generation already have husbands and wives and children! On average, they have 3 children each. O, say mo? haha. No wonder I had so much fun in Leyte.

7.) Yes, I voted for Rona countless times in Pinoy Big Brother Teens. Haha. Sue me. :D

8.) I once memorized the lyrics of S2pid luv! Hahaha. Uy, don't deny, you all once did too! It was, like, the Philippine anthem for months in the year 2002! Salbakuta was so cool back then. Hahaha. Nang mainlove ako sayo, kala ko pag-ibig mo ay tunay, pero hundi nagtagal, lumabas din ang tunay na kulay...

9.) I secretly jump for joy everytime Pacquiao wins a boxing match. Yes, he's a bad actor, an even worse singer, and he's never going to win any public office. (Plus, I cringe every time he attempts at speaking Engish.) But we gotta hand it to the guy, he's a damn good boxer! And he's proud to be Pinoy!

10.) Beach + good friends + inuman + guitar + jamming til dawn = the best gimmick ever. ^_^

where's my love story?

2008-06-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

It's confirmed -- I have this habit of being the main spectator-slash-cheerleader of my friends' love lives. Yep! Just last Saturday, I found myself running around the city trying to make a monthsary perfect. And when all things fell into place and I saw the satisfied smiles on my friends' faces, I couldn't help but give a deep sigh. My work here is done.]

And it isn't the first time this happened. Ever since High School, I have always been the 'bridge' -- the "bujoy" (I, of course, am pertaining to Jolina's character in some movie I'm sure you guys have already seen, haha.) Not that I mind, really. I'm more than happy to help organize the perfect date, or escape from disapproving parents, or fix a couple I know will definitely hit it off. I love being part of something exciting, something magical. But then again, when their eyes meet and share the moment I helped make, I suddenly fade into the background, irrelevant... forgotten. All of a sudden, I'm not part of it anymore. Duh. I never was part of it to begin with.

I'd hate to think I'm like Katherine Heigl from 27 dresses. I refuse to admit I'm THAT pathetic... attending every wedding and living her life through other people's love stories. Then again, I feel like I'm doing the same. :( Oh well, Kat got her cute journalist in the end anyway. Maybe I will too. Or maybe not.

After falling in love twice -- (the last one hurt like hell) I don't think I'm ready to put myself in that position again. Like I told a friend once, I believe in true love when I see it in others. But true love for me? Nah, I'll pass. But everytime I see a couple so happy and so in love, I admit I do get a little curious... envious even. Then all I do is remind myself about all the pain ahead, and it's gone.

Or maybe I just need the right one - the one who'll make my heart beat faster than it should. The one who will make me trust myself again.

And until then, I'll gladly be a spectator. There's nothing like making myself believe in love's magic in others as I wait for my turn to finally feel it. :D

Blog Silence is OVER

2008-06-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

God, how I'm gonna miss this summer. And since I can't describe it in words, here are a few pictures as proof:

(in the pics: Me, Kuya Roui, Ate RN, Ruth, Teneil, Clyde, Carlo, my cousins and my pamangkins; locations: Southern Leyte, Dumaguete)

back to reality. sigh.

Tournament Hang Over

2008-04-14T02:22:00.000-07:00

I can't believe another tournament is over. Does anybody else find this really weird? I mean, I spend the whole month of March looking forward to a 5-day tourney. It's a bit sad. :( And now, I'm looking forward to VMDC kahit July pa. Haha.

What I loved about PIDC:

1. In comparison to previous tournaments, all of us got much closer in PIDC. Syempre, there were only seven of us. Todo bonding! Things I found out about the Silliman debaters: Noel has a crazy side pala (haha, secret! I can't believe he desecrated our hotel!), RJ is so obssessed with a computer game (don't ask), Kristi sees things and tries to make them go away, Clyde is "mabenta" (wahahaha), Ron, to my utter surprise, is a total party animal (he hopeed from one bar to another talaga with his cousins) and Jian is the best impersonator of Rex Navarete I know, hands down. And oh ya, Mark looooves walking out. Haha.

2. FOOD TRIP. Imagine being stuck in a city like Dumaguete where we're deprived of a lot of good restaurants and food chains (McDo was the latest to open, goodness!) Kung di mo ba naman hahanapin yung pinakamalapit na KFC. Haha. Babaw mehn. But gosh - my money's totally gone. As in ubos na po dahil lang sa pagkain (at taxi rides). Wawa.

3. My teammates are the greatest! Super... I've been waiting to whip for the RJ-Noel tandem and I'm just so glad to have had the opportunity before RJ finally retired from debating. Buti na lang I didn't disappoint. Pangit naman masyado if I was the one who brought the team down, diba? hahaha. Basta, I'm super proud. Moment toh!

4. Of course, the most important thing is: we broke. Yay! And to think, I was so scared we weuldn't. Ouch masyado if ever. It was just nice that a lot of people were supporting us and hoping we could get to the top 16... and we did! Kahit iniwan ako ng teammates ko during breaknight, at least ako lang nakaramdam nung feeling na ma-announce yung team name. Wheeeee....

5. I met lots of awesome people from other schools! Well, I already know the ADDU peeps (and we hung out with them more), Gian and Zed from Xavier, the newbies from UP Tac, Ethel and the rest from UP Miag-ao. Then there's the Beda boys (as I'd like to call them, hehe) - Jayson, Voltaire and Gian, and Falcis, Stef and Andrea from FEU. Infernez, ang saya ng mga inuman namin. Amin-amin na lang yun. Wahahaha.

Basta, ang saya saya saya. Can't wait til the next tournament. It's gonna be so interesting! Sobra! :D

my ass

2008-03-14T00:50:00.000-07:00

I'm partially sane right now so I think it's best to update this blog before I get any crazier.

School has always been my enemy. Even though I love knowledge and exploring new things, I've always struggled with discipline and diligence - things that every school requires. I guess I've been too lazy my entire life that I kind of never snapped out of it. My mother would be the best witness to this.

Finals week has never been this crazy. I keep on thinking about doing a lot of things in my head but I end up procrastinating and eventually forgetting about them - even though they are very important. I truly feel sorry for myself.

I always have the energy to start a lot of things I think I'm interested in but I end up not finishing the ones I lose interest in. This is true in cross-stitching, books, drawings, stories, the subjects I took this semester (except for some that were quite easy) and a LOT more. The only thing I seem to not get enough of is debate.

Alarming.

I won't be surprised if one day, I get into so much trouble because of my attitude.

I need a major change --- NOW.

Yelp!

Square Off Quarterfinals

2008-03-06T06:24:00.000-08:00

After a match against Lyceum, we're off to the quarters! Whew... The heartache from VUDC sure is gone, this victory has cheered me up a lot. I can't believe we're coming back to Manila again soon, and all for FREE. ^_^

Our next opponents just may be our biggest challenge so far: De La Salle University. We really have to start training hard before we face them, and we want this one SO BAD. Knowing that Ateneo de Manila is the one to beat in the semi-finals, I can't wait to beat La Salle to get to them. It's not going to be easy, but we're up to the challenge.

And of course, I LOVED the foodtrips with Noel and Kristi. I would want more of them. Haha. (Except maybe for the enormous Sbarro pizza that made me sick.)

Thanks for supporting us! SILLIMAN... FIGHT!

depressed and sarcastic

2008-02-12T22:05:00.000-08:00

The past four days have been a drag. After an awesome (free) night out with my brods and sis last saturday, all went downhill.

Sunday: I missed church (I apparently went home at 3 am so my parents didn't bother waking me up). I woke up around lunch time, locked myself in my room after a light lunch and waited for the 6 o'clock meeting I had with the debaters. 6 o'clock came and everyone except for Odie, Kristi, Clyde and Fonzy, were a no show. It ruined my already dull day, ugh. It was a good thing we went to El Amigo for a few rounds of chikicha, else I would've ceaselessly cursed the entire ride home.

Monday: Sir Ian cancelled my only class in the morning and my we also had no class in Com16 which meant the only class I had for the day was the ever wonderful... Biology. Great. So I stayed home and watched TV until 3 pm. I did go to Bio class, but only to sit at the farthest corner with my head leaning on the wall, trying my very best not to fall asleep. My mind wandered off, and I wasted one hour of my life staring at an illustration of muscles and bones I couldn't understand. That night, I went to the Provincial convention center to be oriented (together with my brods and sis) for the Sitti concert. I was assigned to usher a group of foreigners who may just hog the bar and potentially go wild. Good luck to me. I'm just happy I can watch Sitti for free.

Yesterday: I went home, collapsed on the bed, stared blankly at the ceiling, while cranking up the volume to Alicia Keys' new album. I did this for quite a long time, too. The consequence of missing my classes from 1 to 7, for a split second, did cross my mind - but I didn't care. My senses only came back when Jordan reminded me of the Valentine Songwriting Competition at 8 pm. Then I thought: Valentines. What an awful time of the year. Nevertheless, I dressed up and went to Luce for the show. It would be a mediocre program had Primy not composed the winning song, and Nadie not interpret it so perfectly. I, personally, am still shocked by a group of 4 guys in all white outfits, singing "wish, wish" in an ASAP coverboys kind of way (eek! sans the good looks, of course) handing out flowers to grossed out girls. I still can't understand what person in the right mind would interpret a composition in that way, in no less than Silliman University pa jud. But since the song screamed boyband(!) right from the first stanza, I think it was the only thing anyone could do with it. And they didn't accept our entry for this? (haha, bitter) But it was ok, for 'variety's sake.'

Today: I only had one class still, since Maam Cecile is still in Cagayan and Sir Alcala cancelled our Biolec class. So I'm here at the Weekly Sillimanian Office, typing this blog entry. Still depressed. I'm only excited about tonight... I shall see Sitti for free. =) But after that, I'm sure, I will still be depressed.

Tomorrow is my 20th birthday.

The day after that, I'm going to Bohol for the Visayan championships (which I could potentially win).

So can anyone tell me, why the hell am I so freakin' depressed?

Dammit.

Square Off trip

2008-02-06T03:18:00.000-08:00

This post is soooo late, but I promised myself that I'm gonna finish this entry, so here goes...

We were excited to have a very valid excuse to miss classes (TV appearance, hah!), but we weren't exactly thrilled about having to pass by Cebu to get to Manila. As it turns out, PAL is a major sponsor for the show and since they don't have a terminal here in Dumaguete, we had to catch the Cebu-Manila flight instead. And what's even worse, we had to get our tickets at SM Cebu before the PAL office closed -- which meant only one thing: land trip. Ugh.

We planned to leave Dumaguete at 11 am so we'll have time to get the tickets, but Noel, being the very unpredictable dude that he is, got caught up in some emergency so he was late. We missed our boat (to our dismay) so Kristi and I decided to eat lunch at a carinderia instead.

We did catch a 12 noon boat so we were just 1 hour late of our cleanly planned out sked.

After three hours of listening to an ala- Maala-ala Mo Kaya radio show which also claims to play light rock music (since when did Beyonce become a rocker?), we finally got to our destination.

As planned, we went to the PAL office to get our tickets, only to be met by a nice woman telling us we need to pay three thousand each for the tickets - with a smile.

WAAAHAAAT? We gave each other meaningful looks, as if saying, 'I guess we're going back home early... And to think, we just told every Sillimanian we were gonna be on TV. Shucks. Kristi looked like she was about to seriously hurt someone.

Thankfully, Faiqah (this girl who works at the show) rescued us. Yay. They decided to email us the tickets instead. Whew.

Courtesy of Samantha's parents, we indulged ourselves in Pizza Hut. Noel felt really sick after a MAJOR pigging-out, so he decided to drag Kristi, Sam and I to shopping.

And I swear, I am NEVER going to shop with Noel ever again. For three hours, we went from one shop to another just looking for one shirt. ONE SHIRT! I remember Sam telling me, "I'd go to one shop, buy the first thing I like and that's it."

Kristi and I just had to stop coz we couldn't do it anymore. We left him with Sam (to her horror, of course) and we had coffee while waiting for my cousin's driver to fetch us.

Noel and Sam came back with this shirt that I told Noel I showed Noel earlier. But he told me he got turned off when I said, "buy this one, so you'll be in your ELEMENT on TV..." Gawd, had I not said that, we would have been done hours ago. Hmpf.

Our flight was at five the next morning so we spent the night at my cousin's house. I really wanted to sleep but I knew I couldn't coz if I did, there was no way I would be able to wake up at 3 am, and someone had to wake Kristi and Noel up too.

At 5 am, we were off to Manila! But of course, we just HAD to take pictures of ourselves making faces. =)

When we arrived, we were met by the Square Off people (who were really nice, btw) and brought us to Kabayan Hotel. After shooting spiels for the show, the three of us decided to window shop and eat. It was a good thing Araneta Center and Gateway were just really near our hotel so we just walked.

And here's a summary of everything we ate in just 4 hours:

Taco Bell

Wendy's

Brownies Unlimited

Dairy Queen

At 5 pm, we were off to ABS-CBN for the show.

What was so cool at being in ABS-CBN building:
1. I saw Piolo. He's hot, seriously. I'm not really a big fan but he's REALLY hot.
2. We had our own dressing room beside the Wheel of Fortune set (we could hear Kris shouting, hehe)
3. We had our make-up put on by a professional make-up artist. And beside me was Phoemela Barranda, Karen Davila and Julius Babao. I so wanted to join in on their conversation but they might give me crazy looks.
4. I saw other celebrities, singers, and the like. It was fun.

At 8 pm, we started the show witht the motion: THW use the vernacular as a medium of instruction for public elementary and high schools.

We won. Yay. But I had a TERRIBLE speech (well, when I watched the show, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was) but still. Hmpf. I was just glad we could come back and you know, I'd have the opportunity to redeem myself (and squander university money, haha).

After that, we went to KFC for a late dinner and Starbucks so Kristi and Noel can have their usual orders: Peppermint Mocha Frappuccino and Chocolate Chip Frap with Raspberry Syrup. I had my classic Caramel Frap. We stayed there til Midnight.

The next day, we had a quick breakfast and headed to the airport. We had to wait for a few hours till the flight (we were so early) but it was ok. Kristi and I just drowned ourselves in our books while Noel 'explored' the airport, perhaps, thinking about his first love: airplanes. Drama.

Anyway, when we got to Cebu, we immediately got the next trip to Lilo-An (it was the last Ceres, thank God). It was a longer trip than we expected - we thought it was never going to end, panic level. Haha.

We rode the boat, after Noel sampled ALL the sandwiches available at the port and headed to Dumaguete. We hitched with Noel's parents who were extremely nice to bring Kristi and I home too.

It was a cool trip. Very short, but very memorable.

backing off and moving on

2008-01-12T22:58:00.000-08:00

It’s never easy letting go of something you’ve already learned to love or walking away from a place you’ve grown to know so well. But most of the time, experiences show us that there is always a time to leave, especially if it feels right to do so.

I’ve been at the edge of a cliff for the longest time. And although I’ve grown to love the thrill of being in the predicament of deciding whether to jump off or back away, it’s driven me to lose perspective of a lot of things.

I knew I was never going to jump – I was too much of a coward to actually do it. But I chose to keep it an option, while imagining how it could be if I finally do it. Whether I was going to fall flat on my face, or if by some miracle, fly. I’d always envision the latter, yet I knew the first one was more likely.

Backing away was apparently the more mature and logical thing to do, and somehow I know I’d wind up doing just that – it was only a matter of time. And whenever it would hurt so much I couldn’t take it, and I’d finally get the nerve to give up, I find myself looking back, and putting myself in the same position all over again.

For a year, I’ve been going ceaselessly through the same ordeal. Some of my friends thought I was crazy, while a few close ones flippantly said I was a masochist. And they’re not far from the truth. Even I think I was the stupidest person alive – way beyond reason. Yet, I chose to continue the insanity.

But it’s the end of the line. I’m done.

And no – this isn’t one of those times. I know I’ve had enough. And I found this out, not in the instance that I felt so much pain and helplessness that giving up was the only recourse. No, I knew I was ready to go in that very moment when I felt strong enough to finally face the truth.

In pain, I’m in my weakest, and the more I succumb to the thing that causes the weakness. But it was when everything was going fine, when I was surrounded by people who made me feel so loved, that I got a glimpse of happiness even without being able to fly. For so long, I’ve stayed in that cliff, thinking that at least, I was hoping to take a chance. I’ve held on to what I felt was the only thing worth caring about and paid no attention to other more important things. Evidently, I was wrong… dead wrong.

Now, I’m gradually backing off, step by step. No hesitations this time. Not even a little.

But no regrets. I’m even thankful for what happened, because I was able to know myself even more, and I was able to appreciate everything I have.

As for flying, I’ll get there.

debate year wrap up

2008-01-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

2007 is definitely the best debate year for me. I managed to improve considerably - which I thought was practically impossible because of my lack of experience and utter dislike for matterloading. Hehe. Well, in the end, I was able to surprise even myself with a few debate successes.

1. For the first time in a year of debating, I earned my right to be in Silliman A in the Visayan Universities Debate Championship held last February. This was quite an achievement for me since the society was and still is full of awesome debaters who are team A quality. I topped the tabs in powermatching, so I was teamed up with Stacy and Juliana who were national quarterfinalists. Wow. Unfortunately though, we didn't win the championship (team B - Odie, Gers and Kristi got to the finals), but I was just really grateful for the opportunity to represent Silliman. =)

2. Also in that month, we were able to successfully host the VUDC with little help from our Coach, organize the first DIP Debate Championship and the first elementary debate in Dumaguete. This was really great for our society, both personally and professionally.

3. In May, I was able to go to the 3rd Asian Universities Debate Championship in Indonesia. I was part of the sole team Silliman sent, together with Charms and Stacy. It was the first time that I competed outside of the country, and the results of that tournament were just overwhelming. We went up against really good teams from UP Diliman, La Salle, International Islamic University of Malaysia, National University of Singapore, and Mahidol Thailand, four of which broke into the octos. We also set a new record for Silliman in the AUDC, 4 wins - 3 losses. Our team ranked 20th, just four teams away from the breaks. Plus, we made friends with other Philippine debaters I was usually just intimidated with. It was just a great experience. =)

4. One day, out of impulse hehe, I decided to send emails to a few debaters in Mindanao, asking them about a possible Visayas-Mindanao Debate Championship. The response was great, and all of a sudden, my crazy idea became a reality in July. By far, the VMDC is the BEST tournament I've been to. It was just a great tournament for me - in terms of performance, in terms of making friends from the debate community, etc. VMDC forged an alliance, I tell you - that is, between the Visayas and Mindanao debate communities. Not to mention, Odie and I were able to break 3rd at the quarter finals (my first break), and I was awarded the Top 6 best debater, behind the champion team, our team A and Henry Segovia. Whoa... It was an awesome feeling. I can't wait to debate again in next year's tournament.

5. Self-training for debate is hard. Just imagine training other people for it! This year, for the first time, I adopted a school - the RTPM Dumaguete Science High School. I had a blast training and coaching these kids - I see really great potential in them. And they did pretty well in the debates they joined, and I couldn't be prouder... =) I'm looking forward to training them some more for next year's tournaments. Watch out for these kids. (haha. I feel like their mom!)

6. The National Debate Championship in Baguio is probably the most memorable debate experience I will ever have. I've never been more challenged and more stressed! It was an interesting experience, I tell you. The pressure, coupled with hard motions and even harder opponents can really drain you. And seven consecutive rounds of all that is just torture. But what I got out of my first Nationals will forever be treasured. I met great debaters from all over the country and I'm just purely grateful for the experience. And oh ya, Odie and I broke into the Octofinals! Not bad for my first NDC, huh? I'm never missing a tournament again. Hehe.

7. I was on national TV... twice! All thanks to debating. Together with Gerswane and Kristi, we took on Yedah, Bernice and Ardie from UP Cebu and Marj, Sam and Tateen from Ateneo De Davao in NBN's Youth Voice. It was really cool. Plus, we had free lodging and food from NYC, and allowance from the school, so we never had to spend a single centavo. On January 23, Kristi, Noel and myself are also going to compete in ANC's SQUARE OFF so watch out for that! =) Seeing yourself on TV is kinda weird, but really cool.

8. Well, the Sandurot Cup still isn't over, but the eliminations went well. We had a perfect break! Haha. Kristi and Noel are just great teammates and we hope to win the championship this month. I'm glad Dumaguete City is really investing in debating. I hope the debate community here continues to grow. =)

9. Organizing is never easy. This December, I had to organize the 2nd Dumaguete Inter-School Parliamentary Debate Championship. I had a lot of plans - I wanted 10 schools to join, and I would gladly train every beginner school if needed. I planned a television coverage, sponsors, and lots more. Unfortunately, those were high hopes for a tourney such as that. It still went great though. Some debaters even said it was perfect (haha, ya right). But whatever the feedbacks were, I was just glad it was over - and that it actually pushed through. This would be the first time that I was the main organizer, the tournament director, the food committee, awards committee, logistics, the registration person, the tabs person and the photographer. Plus, I also trained two high schools for the tournament. Whew. But it was so fun. I'd be glad to do it again and again. Haha.

10. Lastly, the society. I got to know more about a lot of my colleagues. And I was able to meet new debaters who have really impressed me with their abilities. Though there were bumps in our relationships, we tried our best to cope and patch things up. Mark really encouraged us to put our relationships above all, we wouldn't want to end up like the Debate Congress who later on split up because of too much bickering. And I do agree. So, even though we weren't a perfect society, I'm still glad we went through all that drama. Made us better people, and better friends.

It was a great debate year. I hope next year tops all of these. =)

year 2007 survey

2007-12-28T00:21:00.000-08:00

I did this survey last year. It really allowed me to reminisce and basically just look back on the fun and not so fun times I've had...

THANKS everyone. You guys made my year. =)

What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Visit another country! Indonesia in May was really, REALLY awesome. =) And I was also on national TV... twice! haha.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nope. Hehe. But I have serious new year's resolutions for next yea, so I plan to really keep them.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Hmmm... let me see. I think I have a cousin who gave birth this year, but we aren't really close.

Did anyone close to you die?
Well, there were two people who died later this year that really crushed me. Although I wasn't really close to them. There was Mr. Paras who died in a motorcycle accident (which I saw happen, shucks) and there was Alzen Joy who just died this month. Really, really sad. Tapos, Benazir Bhutto was assasinated pa jud. Hahay. There goes Pakistan.

What countries did you visit?
Indonesia lang, but it was really cool.

What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
I would like to have good grades (haha) and better relationships with people around me. ^_^

What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Wow. Uhm, it would probably be the day I fell. Haha. =) Joke. (not really) And maybe all the awesome tournaments I've been to. Whoa. Tapos there's the

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Debate stuff. This was my best (and worst) debate year. Tourneys, victories, losses, firsts, lasts. =)

What was your biggest failure?
Biggest failure this year... probably failing to live up to my promises. I broke people's hearts this year. It wasn't pretty. Maybe next year, makabawi ko..

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nope. =)

What was the best thing you bought?
Hmm... clothes! Just kidding. I'm not really sure. A plane ticket to Manila?

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Definitely not mine. Haha. Odie's? hehe. I loved Odie the entire year. =) Who else ba? Can't think of anyone else eh.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Haha. Haha. Haha. I'm not going to tell. But there is someone (or four). ^_^ But I'm over them.

Where did most of your money go?
Still debate. Gosh. A really expensive vice.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
A lot of things. I got excited about shifting to Mass Com finally. So many doors opened when I shifted. I'm just so much happier in the course. =)

What song(s) will always remind you of 2007?
Gosh. A lot. Like a Star by Corinne Bailey Rae, Collide by Howie Day and Jenny by Click Five. =)

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? -- happier. definitely.
ii. thinner or fatter? –- fatter. haha.
iii. richer or poorer? –- poorer. too much money blown on debates.

What do you wish you'd done more?
Study.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
slack off, hehe.

How many one-night stands?
I'm not like that. Hehe.

What was your favorite TV program?
Ooh. Entourage. Ahlavet. I don't know why. Hehe. And I still love That 70's Show and America's Next Top Model. =)

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Well, hate is such a strong word. Hehe. And I've learned to forgive this year, so ya...

What was the best book you read?
The last installment of Harry Potter (which made me really sad that it's over)...

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Playing the guitar! As in! It just made the musical aspect of my life much more colorful. Because of it, I've learned to compose songs. And one song (a Christian one) won in a university competition. hehe.

What did you want and get?
Hmm... I don't really know. More satisfaction, I guess.

What was your favorite film of this year?
That's hard. Nothing really stuck to me this year eh.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Oh. Don't get me started. It was the WORST birthday ever. I did nothing really. But the good part was that my debate crush from ADS greeted me (haha) and I was able to cook for the debaters and buy them pizza.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I should probably have turned to God more. Then I could experience real joy ba. I'm doing my best though, especially for next year. =)

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Well, I guess I was better dressed this year. Not that I dress good na. At least I made changes. Not just pants, shirts and slippers.

What kept you sane?
Friends. Definitely friends.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
That would be Channing Tatum. Haha. And for some reason, Mandy Moore. Hehe.

What political issue stirred you the most?
Benazir Bhutto assasinated and the whole turmoil in Burma.

Who did you miss?
Maia! As in. I still miss her.

Who was the best new person you met?
That's easy. CLYDE! hehe. I met him mid year, and we've been close since. He's really cool. We think alike, we have the same attitude towards life and all. Basta he's cool. And a lot of debaters from other schools too. =)

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
People you least expect can hurt you. And that at the end of the day, every decision you make and basically just everything you do is between you and God alone. Oh ya, and that love can make you lose all control... which sucks.

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself:
Ooh. That I deserve to be happy. Awww... I know it's cliche but it really touched me. Whoever you are, thanks!

The most touching experience you've had this year?
Hmm... Stuff with my Mom.

What did you like most about yourself this year?
I can't really pinpoint anything. Maybe my debating. I don't know. Hehe. And also my compositions. hehe.

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
My tactlessness. as always. And my overly-obsessive nature. Haha.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I'm falling even more in love with you, letting go of all I've held on to. I'm standing here until you make me move. I'm hanging by a moment here with you."

Was 2007 a good year for you?
Ya. It was. =)

What was your favorite moment of the year?
Ooh. I had lots of favorite moments. Mostly the times I've spent with someone. Haha.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?
I really don't want to talk about the least. Hehe. But I could say, that not advancing to the semis during VMDC really sucked.

Where were you when 2007 began?
Silliman Village, Piapi, Dumaguete City. Haha.

Who were you with?
Family.

Where will you be when 2007 ends?
I guess still here.

Who will you be with when 2006 ends?
Family still.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2007?
1. Develop relationship with God more.
2. Better my performance in school.
3. Be nicer to people around me. Haha.
4. Forget about the person which made my year totally miserable.
5. And some other stuff I can't really tell. haha.

What was your favorite month of 2007?
Hmm. I don't know. March, I guess.

Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?
Yep. I definitely lost someone. Secret lang. haha.

What was your favorite record from 2007?
Mandy Moore's Wild Hope. and Corinne Bailey Rae's self-titled album. hehe.

How many concerts did you see in 2007?
One lang. It was a Christian concert. It was really cool.

Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2007?
Nope. Not really. =)

Do a lot of drugs in 2007?
NO. Bali sa... hehe.

You do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Siyempre. But I'm over them na.

How much money did you spend in 2007?
A lot. Hehe.

What was your proudest moment of 2007?
Debate stuff. Hehe.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
I can't really remember. Hehe.

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change something, what would it be?
I would like to go back to my debates and redo my speeches! haha.

What are your plans for 2008?
Do better in school, really strive to be a better person overall.

How are you different now that the year has ended?
I guess now, I'm more aware of how I stand in people's lives. And how people view me, basically.

What are your wishes for the new year?
Just happiness... the whole year round. ^_^

A Sincere Apology

2007-12-12T20:13:00.001-08:00

I am hurting so much I don’t even know if this is going to be a decent entry. I know I’ve been posting really senti stuff the past few weeks – which perhaps annoyed the hell out of you already – but this entry promises to top the list of most heartbreaking experiences in my life that I decided to share with you.

More than anything, I feel so alone. I’ve never been this alone before. My family seems so distant (well, my parents are in Manila), my brods and sis all are busy, I haven’t seen my barkada in weeks, and the people I thought were my home when everything else in my life was messed up, turned out to be the people who hate me the most.

I honestly don’t know exactly what I did wrong – what ticked them off, what made them want to stay away from me. But I’m not saying I had no faults. If they went to the extent of trying to kick me out of the group, then something must have happened.

Based on previous experiences, the main reason why people get mad at me is my tactlessness, or my insensitivity to others. Well, that is something I’m still working on until now. But I guess there were more issues about me now.

They told me I was a power-grub. That I was so obsessed with glory that I forgot to be human. I’m not going to deny it. Maybe I had my eye on the prize ever since, and I was willing to do everything to get it. BUT hurting people intentionally wasn’t part of my plan. NOT AT ALL. I even wanted them to share victories with me. Well, I guess I rubbed them the wrong way. And for that, I’m incredibly sorry.

They told me I was a snob. That I chose who I talked to – that the people who weren’t at my level were ‘nobodies’ for me. Again, I am sorry. I must admit, that the people I hung out with most of the time had the same interests, the same passion as me. Maybe I forgot about the others, or refused to get to know them because I didn’t need any more ‘companions,’ so to say. But honestly, I would give anything to get to know them. And develop relationships with them. I probably was too proud and too focused to do so.

They told me my actions were very harsh. Shucks. Apart from my tactlessness, this is also a problem of mine. I may seem really mean, but I’m not. I may seem angry, but I’m not. I may seem like I dismiss people I don’t like, but I don’t. I blame it on my being lost. I blame it on my insensitivity still. Forgive me.

I’m not going to justify my actions – or I’m not going to turn myself into the victim here. I’m the reason why there were problems, and what’s really sad is, I didn’t even have a tiny inkling. When I decided to quit, I thought it was because I was leaving the problem. Oh God, little did I know, if I really left, then I take the problem with me. Better for them, I presume. I thought I was doing myself a favor. Again, I was mistaken.

Hahay. I can’t really undo the damage I’ve caused. I can’t really ask people to trust me again. That’s their choice. All I want to say is that I had no intentions of hurting anybody. Not at all. I love you all so much – more than the passion we share. So if it would be best for me to leave, I will. I’m not going to compromise our friendships just because of shallow victories.

I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me. But if you’ll need more time, I

Thoughts on a Gloomy Day

2007-11-20T06:44:00.001-08:00

A miracle just happened: I went home early. Well, at least to my Mom it's a miracle (and she's quite happy about it.) And why? Because instead of helping out my brods and sis in a certain activity tonight, I decided to just go home and rest. This day has been anything but fun. And there are so many things running through my mind. Plus - I'm hurting inside (wahaha). No, really. To top it all off, the rain is making me extremely senti. And yes, I am complaining.

Tomorrow is the debut of my column on the Weekly Sillimanian. Some of the staffers told me they liked what I wrote, while Odie (the Editor-in-chief - slash - battered debate partner) said he wasn't expecting it. I say it was simply a nicer way of saying, "your column sucks!" But I can't really trust my instincts right now due to my overly melodramatic state. But actually, the only reaction I'm dreading is my Mom's. The column is about her, by the way. As much as I think I praised her enough in the article, she might see things differently. Anyway, I'll post what I wrote here later, when the paper is already out. So you can relate, hehe.

Anyway, I also received blank looks when I told people that my permanent column name is "The Writ of Ampao." And it also got an unpleasant look from Noel. He said people won't understand what I mean by it. And when I started getting agitated, he tried to take it back by saying that it's cool because I'm being 'elitist' by choosing my audience. Whatever. If my column name becomes a flop, I so blame Clyde and RJ for over-encouraging me to use it.

I'm on the process of finishing our entry for the Valentine Songwriting Competition. Deadline is this Saturday, and I'm almost done with the melody. I'm really pressured and all because Jordan gave me really good lyrics. I just hope our song turns out fine. We're just in it for fun anyway, right jord? =)

The song is sounding kinda Mandy Moore-ish... which I think is a good thing, because I adore her. Her songs are very sincere and are great to listen to. Plus, she has poetry in her lyrics, and the lyrics Jordan gave me is nothing but poetic.

I'm still so stressed out about DIPDC. The competition is slated for December 8, but we still have lots to do. The only thing I'm worried about, though, is the participants. I hope more schools could join. I might be training beginners tomorrow so wish me luck. Gosh. For the love of debating. Hahay. It's a good thing next week is Intrams week, then I could have time to iron things out. I'm cheering for my kids from Science High. Battle of the Trainors! haha.

Speaking of debate, VUDC (Visayan Universities Debate Championship) is getting near, and I will need all the training I could get. I plan to win the championship (char). No, really, I hope I could at least get to the finals. But before that, we still have the Sandurot Cup next week (where Noel, Kristi and I will kick ass) and the St. Paul Debate (where Noel, Kristi, Odie and I will kick ass as well).

Ugh. If I had the words to describe what I feel right now, I would. But I don't. All I can say is that it hurts.so.bad. To hell with rainy days. Hehe. Drama. Lyde, coffee ta!

rainy season is for the senti

2007-11-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

I've been really senti lately. Maybe it's the rain. Or the fact that I'm so tired from all the drama going on. Or maybe it's... HIM. Haha. Secret.

Anyway, I want to share my latest playlist to you guys. I highly recommend these songs if you've been feeling the way I have... you know, to accompany you in your emotional state. Somehow. Hehe.

Grab a mug of hot choco and lock yourself in your room while it's raining outside. Crank up the volume and happy listening!

Senti Playlist:

1. Till I Get Over You - Michelle Branch -> Typical sad song. But what's nice about this one is it could be perfect backgound song for throwing things around your room. Try it...

2. Colors - Amos Lee -> This is one of my favorite songs from the Just Like Heaven soundtrack. Extremely senti.

3. I'm Falling - MYMP -> This song gave me goosebumps and butterflies. And eventually made me want to tear my hair off. Waaah.

4. Be Be Your Love - Rachel Yamagata -> For everyone who deserves to be loved. Wahahaha. I'm so senti!!! Scary!

5. Collide - Howie Day -> Lately, this has been the theme song of my life. Wala lang. It's so... nice to listen to. Hehe.

6. Like A Star - Corinne Bailey Rae -> I kept listening to this song over and over when I was in Indonesia. It's awesome. I love CBR. Check out her other songs too. =)

7. Everything - Lifehouse -> This one is actually a Christian song too. I think it's Smallville's theme.

8. Cannonball - Damien Rice -> Look for the acoustic version. It's nicer than the original one.

9. Colourblind - Counting Crows -> Very slow, very emotional song. This was part of Cruel Intentions' soundtrack

10. Across the Universe - The Beatles -> Waaaah!!! Tear-jerker.

11. Fix You - Coldplay -> This is actually my song for my barkada. That reminds me, it's our 4th anniversary on November 22!

12. Cool With You - Jennifer Love Hewitt -> t's kinda upbeat but it's still a senti song anyway. I think Nina has a better version.

13. Best I Ever Had - Vertical Horizon -> One of my all time favorites! The best song to scream to when drunk. But it's also perfectly fine while sober.

14. Nearness of You - Norah Jones -> I'd want this to be played in my wedding. First dance of the Bride and Groom. (yuck...) Listen to the lyrics.

15. Officially Missing You - Tamia -> This one is never absent in my playlist during rainy days. Don't you just love it? Hehe.

16. Umbrella - Mandy Moore -> I didn't like the Rihanna version. This one is really soothing. Nice.

There you go. If you have other senti-song suggestions for me, it'll be greatly appreciated!

NDC = Reality Check

2007-11-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

Just got home from NDC, and it's a bit sad that my Mom and my two sisters weren't there to welcome me back. They went to Leyte yesterday and totally didn't tell me. Hmpf. Well, at least my Dad was able to pick me up from the airport.

Initially, I thought that the NDC was my worst tournament ever. I felt like my debates were awful and that I wasn't in my 'element,' whatever that means. After three rounds, I was tempted to just pack and go home... seeing as I wasn't enjoying the rounds at all. And odie and I were off to a really rough start.

In hindsight, I guess it wasn't that bad. Sure, I didn't really reach my expectation of myself (yuck) but I'm glad I was able to break in my first NDC. Not only that, I was really able to bond with the other debaters and get to know our kids much better. =) The biggest challenge I faced, though was having to deal with early morning baths of ice cold water. Yep, no heater everyone. Que Horror!

Ok. Since I'm much more comfortable making lists, here are the reasons why I LOVE the PMA NDC:

1. We broke into the Octos! (sorry, i guess this was already established in the previous paragraphs, but hey) I couldn't really ask for anything more than that. ^_^ Plus, three Silliman teams broke! Last year, we only had two. Now THAT is an achievement. =)

2. Moments at NAKAR... I guess Room 18 (the boys' room) would be forever remembered. We bonded so much there - talking, eating, laughing, hitting on each other (wahaha), seeing Biatch naked, etc. etc. Sure it wasn't some fancy hotel, but we had so much fun together, i would not have minded sleeping in tents. hehe.

3. Psycho stalker. Enough said. Sa makasabot lang!!! wahahaha. Great laughs. ^_^

4. The debate community is awesome! Debaters are definitely the best people I know. Got closer to the Mindanao people - especially ADDU, ADZU, MSU-M and XU. They're really cool. I can't wait to debate with them in VISMIN again. And since ADDU won the bid, we're bound for Davao next year... yay! Go South!

5. Baguio is to die for. Kristi, Odie, Noel and I spent hours over coffee kanina, just talking about how much we would love to go back to Baguio and just ditch Dumaguete. Noel was close to tears. Hehe. Just kidding. ;p

6. Cadets are hot. haha. Seriously, I wasn't really boywatching or anything but someone caught my fancy! heehee. I am SO not telling. And to those people who know, SHHHHHH. It's just a tourney crush anyway - nothing serious. I have one or two every single time. Blah.

7. Adrian Rabe gave me a 76! Sorry - this is a feat for me already, considering that it's THE Aids Rabe we're talking about, and round 6 was just awful. Hehe. Toinkz. =)

8. The lessons learned. I'm forever going to treasure them talaga. Going up against the best debaters in the country just made me realize how much passion people can have for the craft. And I thought I was an addict, hehe. I'm sure I emerged a better debater (and person) after the tourney. =)

And here are the things I promise to do after PMA (because I didn't expect NDC to be THAT HARD):

1. Brush up on my construction. I was such a bad constructive speaker in the tournament - all the low scores I had were when we were opening. Hmpf. I just don't get it. Before, the guys kept telling me to stop whipping (I originally preferred to be whip when I was starting out) and start being a constructive speaker because they say that my whip speeches were better off constructive. And when I finally shifted, I kinda liked constructing na and even had a knack for meta arguments. And now that I'm back to whipping, it's like I completely lost touch of the constructive speaker in me. UGH. must.do.better.

2. Ok. I know that a lot of really good debaters have their 'hated' positions (except for Noel who can do anything, BLAH) but they could still do very well in tournaments. I, however, am not so good yet and still have to learn everything there is to learn about debating. And so, even though I completely detest it, and it has been proven that I suck at it SO BAD, I'm going to start training as a Prime Minister. WAAAH. (I can hear the other debaters laughing at the idea right now... Yes, I am THAT BAD.) Wish me luck.

3. I need to save up... probably look for a job or something. Gosh - Baguio was just too expensive, I had barya for pocket money. Debating is such an expensive vice. But I'm not quitting it. ^_^ I need to scrape for moolah!

4. I'm going to train our kids like crazy! I just realized how much the debate community has grown, and has changed. Before, you know who to expect in the finals (they are now dinos who still show up every now and then) - but last NDC, the tournament was just filled with so many new faces... rookies who KICK ASS. It was scary. Gica Mangahas is the 3rd Freshman to win the NDC... after Bobby and Leloy. And you know how the latter two performed for the rest of their debate careers. Definitely a new era... WAAAH. I hope I can keep up. =)

Anyway, that's all for now. I hope to see you all in the next NDC!

Oppression

2007-10-09T20:44:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it.
I never thought this would happen.
I am disappointed... NO, dismayed.
Respect lost.

Grrr..

Finals Cram + Debate Predicaments

2007-10-08T19:52:00.000-07:00

I've discovered something: the only BUSY time in a Mass Com student's semester is the finals. Why? Deadlines. Haha. I'm cramming all my articles, papers and requirements in just a week! Very unhealthy, i know, but i simply have no choice.

It would've been just fine if that was all i needed to think about. But there are so many things bothering me right now! I have two final exams tomorrow, I still need to settle a lot of things with my subjects and at the same time, all the debates waiting ahead of me is just making me really impatient.

1. On the 20th, we're bound for Baguio. But we still have to cram our practices the week before that. Some people have to go home, though, including my partner... so I'm not really sure if we're gonna get the practice that we need.

2. We lack an adjudicator! Pluto from UP Diliman said he was willing to adj for Silliman but he still has to check with the UP Deb Soc if it was fine. I hope they'd be ok with it. They should be.

3. I still have to worry about the NYC Debates in NBN. Until now, Sir Melvin hasn't given the letter of communication to the university yet, so there's a possibility that we can't go - which sucks big time because I really want to debate with UP Cebu and ADDU on television.

4. My kids. PSDC is on November 9-14, but until now, my kids haven't registered yet. Only one team is willing to go (mostly because of Chris Tiu) and I just found out that Ateneo already reached the cap for the provincial teams, so my kids just have to get their own accommodations. And to top it all off, the principal of their school might not send an adviser to be with them, and so, I might be forced to go. UGH.

5. Lastly, there's this Mindanao Tour, which until now, seems blurry to me. Noel said we were going on the 25th of November (the date he blurted out when Kuya Moe cornered him one day). If that is so, we're gonna be neeeding the support of the alumni, at the same time excuse letters for our classes. I've been in touch with Lilian Malayang, our contact from Cagayan, but she hasn't emailed me in a while. I wonder...

GOSH... There's just so much I need to think about.

Anyhoo, hopefully I get through this week in one piece.

Another one?!

2007-10-01T21:52:00.000-07:00

Well, as you can see, I've changed my blog skin again. I'm trying to go for the minimalist look. Haha.

No, really. I got bored with the skin I had. I'm not exactly sure though if I'm gonna keep this one, but I might. Hehe. Tell me what you think! Should I go back to the original one I had? Should I stick to this one? Or should I look for something else?

I kinda like this one. It's easy on the eyes. ^_^

Powermatching wrap-up

2007-09-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

Powermatching felt... weird. I remember the first ever individual powermatching I experienced was in preparation for the 1st VUDC and it felt nothing like this. The powermatching we had for VMDC was just for team letters too, so it was kinda ok. But last weekend, we powermatched for our teammates, for team letters, and the right to debate in the NDC.

I guess it's safe to say that I was the one who really worked for the powermatching to push through - which was why the past week was so jampacked with drama for moi. I wanted it to be successful, given how crucial the situation was. Everybody wanted to debate, everybody wanted good partners, and no one was surely gonna back down. I had to make sure the powermatching was meaningful as it was credible.

Sure, when it was all over, we had our own "breaknight," devouring 9 pizzas (yes, we were THAT hungry), gulping cokes and sprites, while some did the T-Way. But something felt really, really wrong.

At the end of six rounds, the results were a celebration for most, while a heartbreak for some. Maybe the heartbreak part was what felt weird about the whole thing.

Here are some thoughts:

1. Ron DESERVES to debate. He really does. It was that friggin' 71 in Round 3 that pulled him down. Although I really couldn't blame the adjes for giving him the score. Being prime minister is really a tough job, and only a few have mastered the art of 'priming.' But one round couldn't measure debate prowess! Bad timing lang talaga. He has to settle for Adj this time. But that doesn't mean he's not a good debater. He's still awesome for me. =)

2. Emarrah and Elysse. My two girls, who have probably worked the hardest among all of us. They were always there when we had debates, they were always willing to learn new things, to listen. And they've improved tremendously, more than anyone has! But I guess they're still young debaters. I know that soon, they'll be conquering the world of debating. Watch out for them!

3. Carlo and Clyde... I know you guys want to be partners. I know how you feel! I seriously wouldn't know what to do if Odie didn't turn out to be my partner. But rules are rules. We have to stick to the system to be able to respect it. You guys would've made a great team, but I know you'll do as good apart. The measure of a good debater is his ability to work with himself, above all.

4. Guess who was demoted to Team C... But you know what, I'm still happy Odie and I would be entering NDC together. I know we'll be fine. I couldn't be happier with any other partner. ^_^

5. Of course, all the drama --- tensions between debaters, complaints, losses misunderstood, scores undeserved, doubts, questions unanswered. But what's great about us, is we know we're still friends at the end of the day. And nothing could genuinely get in the way of our relationships with one another. Maybe some stuff shake them a li'l bit. But nothing could topple what we've already built for years.

Ugh! Nuff with the drama! I am such a freak.

Anyway, congratz to all who made it! To teams A to F, to Ron, Elysse, Emarrah, Alfonso and Micah, we're bound for Baguio! Let's all show them what Silliman's made of. Can't wait. ^_^

The Economics of Gravy

2007-09-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

...A tribute to none other than St. Levitt and St. Dubner (we canonized them saints, woohoo!) who forever changed the way I see sumo wrestlers and the Ku Klux Klan. All hail Freakonomics! I am not worthy...

Ok. So here's the thing: Noel, RJ and I were heading to Killerbee when we decided to stop by McDonalds, so we could munch on something while we were at the radio station. My order, of course, wouldn't be complete without fries. And eating the fries wouldn't be as pleasurable an experience if I didn't have gravy to go with it. So I asked the cashier if I could have some gravy to go. But she charged me EIGHT PESOS -- which was seriously troubling.

A question popped in my head: Why is it that when you eat inside McDonalds, you get free and unlimited gravy... but when you take out, you have to pay eight freakin pesos for a tiny cup?

It's easy to just say that the establishment is basically making up for what they spend for the customers. If the people who eat inside McDo could get free gravy, then they charge the people who take out. But why specifically those customers?

As a matter of fact, if you don't eat inside McDonalds, technically, you're not using the facilities of the place, you don't need the service of the employees and you're not using up electricity, water at the CR, etc. And they don't need to maintain the place just for you.

So isn't it much more logical if the customers inside McDo pay more (because they get more service from the establishment) than the customers who just take out? How then do you explain the gravy?

Throughout the 20 minute drive to the station, here's what I think: Advertising.

As we all know, establishments would spend huge amounts for advertising alone. That's how they capture markets and draw customers.

The people who stay inside McDonalds to eat there are technically ADVERTISING it. McDo has glass walls... the more people in the place, the better McDo looks. More visible customers would mean more people thinking McDo has good food. And because it seems that way, McDo can capture even more customers.

That's why the place is more than willing to shove a hundred cups of free gravy in the mouths of the customers. That's why the waiters try their best to give quality service. They're actually paying the customers (through good service) what it gets from the "free advertising."

Imagine this: 100 people sitting inside McDo eating their food. 100 people buying food from McDo and taking it out. Both groups are customers (technically, same income from both groups)- but the people who stay are helping McDo more. An empty McDo just doesn't seem right.

So what does McDo do? Give the customers a reason to stay inside McDo. Thus, colorful tables and chairs, free WiFi, cool waiters and yes, free gravy.

As for the customers who take out... who cares? McDonalds doesn't.

What do you think? Duh moment kaayo sa? =)

debate.geek.me

2007-08-05T22:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like writing about debate, since VISMIN just ended and it was my best tournament by far. Don’t argue. Hehe.

After only over a year of debating, I feel like debate is my life. Many can attest to this – my parents, my friends, and acquaintances who know me as Anna, the debater. Even my dedication for the organization stemmed from the fact that I can never give up debating as well as let go of my friendship with the other debaters, which has largely contributed to who I am now.

I’ve probably come across hundreds of motions, debated in so many rounds, met debaters all over the world, trained numerous elementary, high school and even college students – yet I still find myself falling deeper in love with debating every single day. Passion is hardly the word to describe it. Obsession… close. But I know no word will ever be enough to explain how I feel about debating.

Victories… those I have yet to achieve. As much as I love seeing other debaters get the championship, the wins, because I know how much they worked hard for them, I couldn’t help but feel envious. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not good yet. I have so much to learn, so many more debates to be in. I still am not the debater I want to be.

I have three more years to improve. It’s not that impossible.

But considering my journey so far, I can never be more thankful. And I may not be able to accomplish everything I want to, but I know that debate – everything I’ve learned, all the memories I’ve had, and all the people I’ve met – will be enough to last a lifetime of passion… or obsession, or whatever.

PLEASE ANSWER!!!

2007-07-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

Hi... i need to know what you think of me...

So if you're my friend, please answer this!!!

THANK YOU!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=annabanz

the breakdown... BOW

2007-07-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

Whoa.

Last friday, after a debate about breastmilk (hehe), I finally broke down. In the middle of my speech, there were some debaters who I felt were too 'mean' and 'intrusive' - they were reacting badly to the speech I worked hard on, and they were also being very vocal about it. Normally, I really wouldn't mind. After all, who else knows debate theatrics better than me? It was just that at that moment, there were so many things running through my head. I was having an off-week, I recently caved in to my vices again (which I swore I wouldn't do anymore), and I was suffering a 'love' problem, the latter being the culprit of the first two.

I talked to RJ about my problem and he suggested that I take the week off. I needed space and time daw to just mull things over, and start putting things back into place. Gosh - I didn't even know how messed up I was until that very conversation. It seemed like in everything I do, I'm being held back by this effin 'problem'. I told him I'd think about it.

The next morning, I woke up SO SICK. I had sipon and ubo, my head was spinning, and my throat was so sore. I didn't know why. I guess the 'breakdown' wasn't just mental and emotional, it was also physical. It was like my body was just responding to how I felt. Hahay. Could my life get any worse?

I'm still sick. Probably sicker than I was last saturday. And I'm not sure I'm getting the 'rest' RJ wanted me to have.

I know, I know, I'm pushing myself too far. But what can I do? I'm hard-headed.

I deserve all of this.

Fuck love.

FINALLY!

2007-06-19T23:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't really updated this blog in a while... and no, it wasn't because I had nothing to write about, nor was it because I had no time. I just felt that I needed to arrange my emo life-stuff first before I share them with everyone. So here goes...

For those of you who know me personally, you must know how I've been wanting to shift to Mass Com for the past year. After flunking accountancy, and declaring numbers as my mortal enemy, my mind was set to being a free soul - and I sincerely hoped that I would find what I was looking for in Mass Com.

Well, I guess the wait is over, and the quest has begun. I am now officially a comm student... and let me tell you that I've never felt better in my entire life. Who would have thought that being enrolled could feel THIS good? I certainly didn't. In CBA, enrolling meant work - lining up for the absurdest of reasons, and being stuck in that line for hours, under extreme heat (from the sun and from the crowding students) only to be told to come back the following day. No offense to CBA... I had fun in my two years of stay there. But the whole place - the rules, the atmosphere, the curriculum, the lessons, heck, the building - aren't for me.

Debate has probably a lot to do with my change in perspective. After being exposed to all the knowledge and information and theories (as told by RJ, hehe), I couldn't help but feel deprived of all the wonderful things in store for me. And graduating in CBA would've limited my learning and future even more, as the education concentrates on the rules of business rather than exploring the intricacies of society, politics, etc.

Don't get me wrong, in CBA, you can do the things you love - even if they're beyond business. It's just that I needed the right crowd, the right motivation to make me do wonders with myself. Back there, I settled for mediocrity - knowing that there were students far better than me at numbers, at problem solving and whatnot. I never pushed myself as hard because I was convinced that I couldn't go farther even if I tried. Trapped as I was, I started drifting away from focus and interest in school. I paid more attention to the things I was passionate about, like debate, poetry, people, politics, etc. I may have been a good thinker, but a very bad student.

And now, I feel free. Not free as in I have more free time to slack off, but free as in consciously knowing that I could go anywhere I want from here. That I could explore so many possibilities - and the people surrounding me are going to help me discover myself more, and my passion. I just feel like I've been given another chance to start over. Hahay. I couldn't even give you enough explanation for the happiness I feel.

Sure, I know that it isn't going to be a smooth ride. Like any other student, I have to strive for excellence still. But now, I feel empowered to do what I want, to speak out in my classes and to not be afraid to seem like a know-it-all to my classmates. I guess I've found the right place for me.

No more shifting na. Promise.

Pon and Zi mania

2007-06-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

I'm so super crazy about Pon & Zi! Don't you just want to hug them and squeeze them or something? I know they're supposed to be emo cartoons (emo here apparently has negative stigma) but they're just so cute and adorable!!! =) I'll post more Pon and Zi pictures soon. I have like a hundred of them. Hehehe

Random Thoughts...

2007-04-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

Ok. I absolutely have nothing in particular that I want to write about. But for the sake of active blogging, I've decided to write random thoughts instead.

So I was watching American Idol this noon and I must say that I was quite pleased with Sanjaya's performance! For those of you who aren't really fans of AI, allow me to give you a little backgrounder on Sanjaya. He's this 17 year old Indian-American dude who has awesome hair but mediocre talent... in singing, that is. As an entertainer, he's pretty good - exactly the reason why he's still in the top 8 when he should've been booted out ages ago. He's probably the most famous of the bunch. While other AI contestants have their own fanbase, Sanjaya has a group of people who are on a hunger strike until he gets voted out. Ahh, idiots. Anyway, for some reason, I can't hate Sanjaya. He's such a sweet boy. He looked hot in the Latin inspired genre episode too. Anna likey!

******************************************************************************

For the past three days, I've been waking up at 5:30 in the morning to prepare for Silliman on Air. It's this radio show from 6:00-8:00 and Mark has just appointed me and Noel to be 'in charge' of the show: in terms of who to invite, topics to discuss, etc. etc. It's kinda cool, actually; if only it weren't so early... grabeh. Last tuesday and wednesday, Noel and I discussed topics regarding the elections like banning actors and actresses from running, maturity of the Filipino voters and political dynasties. I was surprised that a lot of people tuned in. We got lots of reactions from the listeners through text. It was really cool. This morning we had Odie and Stacy talk about election survey polls. =) Maybe next week we could talk about more interesting topics... hopefully, not the elections anymore. It's too exhausting. Homosexuality perhaps? Haha.

******************************************************************************

After weeks of agony and a short discussion with my mother last night, it is final. I'm bound for Indonesia this May! Shout with me guys: YAAAAAY! I was actually very skeptical about going since I knew my Mom would be spending a lot nanaman, and I haven't really been the best daughter lately (or ever). But Mark assured us of a reasonable amount of support from the administration PLUS I have awesome teammates (Noel and Stacy), so I guess there's nothing really stopping me from joining. Except of course Bird Flu, terrorist attacks, earthquakes and floods which Indonesia is very famous for. Just kidding. Indonesia's gonna be great. AND I get to test my debating once again! This time, with world class debaters. Screw VUDC... I'm going to the Asians!

******************************************************************************

What do you do when all of a sudden you realize that there might be a slight chance that something you thought would never ever happen could actually do?

SLEEP it off. Haha. See ya around guys!

It's a miracle!

2007-03-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

I guess being inspired helps. Charus! =)

Anyway, last Saturday, at 12 noon, I composed my first song ever. It was actually sheer desperation that motivated me, this was, after all, for Fine Arts... then again, there was something else. Haha.

If you hate the lyrics, don't worry. The song's much better heard. We'll be making a music video out of this so maybe (if it turns out ok-ish), I could share it to you guys.

SURRENDER

I saw you and a smile crept on my lips
Everything seems better when you are in the picture
My mind says no but my heart beats otherwise
And for the first time I'm givin' in, I'm givin' in

Oh I can't help it, you are everything to me
Fear in my heart, let go, let go

Chorus:
I'm losing control of every emotion, driving me insane
You make every sense but lead to confusion in the end
My sunshine, my rain, my strength, my weakness, everything
Coz you make me who I am, you make me who I am

Moments pass me by, I think of you
Dreaming haunts me to my sleep, to my soul
If only, I can stop these feelings from getting stronger
But I can't stop my life, you are my life, you are my life

Oh I can't help it, I'm a prisoner of your eyes
Fear has abandoned me, I know, I know

Repeat chorus

Bridge:
And now I surrender everything to you
I never thought it'd end this way
You're the first person to make me say
I love you, I love you, I love you

Repeat chorus twice

------------------------------------------------------------

There you go. I'd like to thank Primy for the title; Odie, Ate Veevee, Ren2x, Noel, Wyldie, JR, Jake and Mark for liking it. Hehehehe :)

All I ask

2007-03-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

I hope people understand why I have a hard time pouring out my heart and opening up about the person who has been making me 'inspired' nowadays. I'm sorry if I really can't tell you.

It's extremely difficult for me. It's such a complicated situation that even I avoid thinking too much about it. It will never happen between us. So I'm just making the most out of the 'chances' given to me... to talk to him, to spend time with him, and all that jazz. Before time runs out, I might as well take every opportunity I can before I start *moving* away... (remember the passerby?)

If you know me, and know me well. You know how much I value my own feelings. I don't want whatever I feel become a subject for ridicule or teasing or whatever. Plus, I don't want him to know baya... Lisod na. Hehe.

Gah! What am I talking about?!? Basta... Hope you guys understand. :p

Birthday booboos

2007-02-15T21:19:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day has always been special to me. Nope, not because of the whole 'romance' thing, but because while everybody else is busy giving each other flowers and sweets, dating in restaurants and walking on beaches, I celebrate the day I was born - feeling more love than ever, everywhere.

So I guess, there would always be flowers and cakes for me. They're literally sold in all streets and corners, and when a good friend suddenly remembers my birthday, there's easy access to a wide selection of probable gifts. It has always been this way for the past eighteen years. I love my birthday more than any other day of the year.

This year, though, was complete torture.

Being the president of the CBA sophomore class is tantamount to being that unlucky person to organize for the CBA Cultural Night - the most 'awaited' event in the College Week celebration. So I guess it came as no surprise to me that I was that unfortunate person... whoelse would be stupid enough to accept the responsibility? It might as well be me - at least I know I'll be really working.

And then there was the date of the event. February 14, 2007. My 19th birthday... and officially, the worst day of my life.

I had teachers ordering me around, an inadequate staff, last minute preparations, fights over the stage design, and ultimately, a doubtful and angry adviser.

Shit.

I was about to break down. Had it not been for a few friends, I would not have made it through the day alive.

The show turned out fine. (At least that was what they told me. Still skeptical but what the hell.) Major stress. Minor booboos. The show ended at 10:30 pm. My version of the show ended at 4 am in the morning. Don't ask.

And to top it all off, I went home tired and restless, only to see the most beautiful heart shaped cake on the table which had been waiting for me for seven hours, untouched. My mom was asleep. She had wanted me to get the first slice. I broke down in tears.

Anyway, before I start ranting some more (God, what I wrote here isn't even half of the pain I went through), let me say a few thanks to the people who have made my day.

Gerswane: Thanks for helping me shop for the materials needed in the show... and the awesome lunch too.

Kristi: Thanks for the shirt... and the earrings... and the lunch... and texting me that night. =)

Noel: Thanks for the book, and for dropping by Luce to talk to me for a while. Thanks for the 'Glenn' text. Haha. That made my day a little less unbearable. Thanks for comforting me that night too.

Odie: Thanks for the bear. It's so cute.

Lyde: The book is amazing! And you're right... stories are the footprints of our friendship.

Dio: Thank you for the ENTIRE SHOW. You rock! I'm sorry for raising my voice. I was just so stressed. Had no sleep at all. You are a born leader. Amazing.

CBA 2nd year: Thanks for trying your best, and for supporting me all the way. And of course, the boisterous 'victory' party (in its figurative sense) at Chow King. I couldn't have done it without you.

Mommy: I love you so much. I'll make it up to you. I promise. =)

For the love of the craft

2007-01-31T21:00:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the first Visayan Universities Debate Championship - Silliman's response to the need to spread debating in our beloved Visayas.

But more than just that, it's also a chance to:

1) establish that no Visayan debate institution is as good as Silliman University Debate Society (well of course, in the future, they could be. But not now.)

2) prove to our coach that we're not just sarcastic people with big mouths, but we're also an organization, capable of making things happen through working with each other.

I had high hopes for these goals.

I worked my butt off in the powermatching to be in the best team. To be in the team that people would be expecting to take the championship. I guess you could say that I got my wish, but I'm not sure if we'll ever be able to pull this one through. Lack of practice. Loss of passion. Doubt.

The organizing committee, I could say, has been running to and fro, cramming to make sure everything is alright. But it seems as if no matter how hard we work, we're being chased by problems! It's like we've been destined to fail. And why do all these come out just days before the event? It's so effed up!

And now, the day before the tournament, even more problems come. Debaters backing out, people refusing to help, participants moving their flights, money not coming in, EVERYTHING! Ugh! I feel like drowning.

I just hope tomorrow will be fine.

Forgive me. Ranting is my therapy.

A Bedcheck?

2007-01-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

I was lying on my bed last night, staring blankly at the ceiling, when I looked to my left and saw the mess on what was supposed to be my "resting place." And so, in the tradition of some people trying to give people a peek of what they have in their bags, I would like to grant you the privilege of knowing what stuff I have lying around on my precious bed.

--> my ragged wallet with two twenty-peso bills in it. (I guess I'm broke.)
--> my ID... eew. I look bad in my picture.
--> Geliah's Christmas gift - an unopened Houston Rockets keychain
--> the most beautiful red guitar and on top of it was a chord chart
--> my Rain cologne
--> coffee addict notebook
--> my Maong sling bag... which obviously needs a vacation to the washing machine.
--> the debate training module I was working on
--> a hairbrush with a few long strands stuck in between bristles. yuck.
--> Pablo Neruda's The Captain's Verses with a bookmark in between the Spanish and the English version of my favorite Neruda love poem, If You Forget Me
--> a correction pen I just bought yesterday
--> The Last Time I Saw Mother by Arlene J. Chai. Seriously, I gotta finish the book.
--> my scribbles notebook opened on the page I wrote my last emotional ranting
--> my new organizer, courtesy of Philam Life

That's about it. And oh yeah, lots and lots of loose paper.

I really have to clean my room. =)

Another passerby

2007-01-15T00:56:00.000-08:00

There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. - Tenessee Williams

I saw him today. =)

I haven't seen him in weeks - not since the day he summoned us to talk about something important. I missed him terribly, but I knew that time was way too much to ask, considering how busy we both were. Sure, I would see him once in a while, but definitely unlike before when everything - every activity, every bonding - was all about him.

On that day when we last saw each other, and when everybody else was gone, I decided to tell him about my latest predicament. He was, after all, one of the few people I trusted with my emo-stories and secrets. I'd say our conversation lasted for about ten minutes - that was when I was driving him home. He listened to me, and asked me random questions. I answered him truthfully, just like the old times.

He was never the type who would comfort you and tell you that things will be ok. Always frank, and a borderline know-it-all, he pretty much told me that I deserved the problem and gave me a lecture (well, more like advised me) to not make the same mistake again. Other people who didn't know him well would, I guess, be slightly offended. I, on the other hand, just smiled and acknowledged what he had to say. This was definitely one of the reasons why I liked him so much.

I was hoping the drive would last longer, but his place was too near, and there was barely traffic. He told me he'd want to talk more soon, but I knew he was just being polite. Well, even if he really meant it, I knew for a fact that he was as busy as I was, and we had no means of communication - except if someone would bump into me accidentally and would tell me where he was.

The truth is, I didn't want to expect. I had too much of that from him in the past.

But I saw him today - somewhere I never expected he'd be. He was as handsome, and as stern-looking. He didn't notice me at first - to my advantage, because I had a little moment of just 'staring' at him.

Finally, I was able to mutter a 'hi'. He looked up and his face brightened as he greeted me with a surprised, yet sincere smile. I used to have these smiles all the time.

He asked me what I was doing there, and I told him that this was pretty much the place where I usually sought peace of mind and drowned my thoughts in the silence.

I sat down in front of him, and started a little chat, which ended after a few minutes. He resumed what he was doing, and I started to read Timothy Montes' Vic Pura. Could there be a more perfect story to have at that very moment?

I kept glancing at him, obviously unable to concentrate on the story (note to self: read it again.)

I remember when we were always together - of course, we would be louder than we were right now. I always thought of him as the leader, followed his every command, even if he didn't require me to. I figured it would be the best way to spend more time with him - I was always happy when he was there.

Gradually, I started feeling something else - something which I denied at first, a feeling that I never wanted and dangerously the one thing that could destroy everything we have built.

For so long I struggled against the emotion, almost begging for it to go away. I was starting to do things I would never do before. I was giving up, succumbing to whatever that was that drew me to him more and more.

It was a one-way traffic thing, as my friends used to say. It was crazy, and hell, umpossible. So I did what I had to do. I detached myself. I led myself into thinking that forgetting him was the best thing to do, even if it meant going away. It was a decision I had to make. And I did.

"I have to go," he said, as he picked up his things hurriedly.

"Ah, ok. Bye," I replied softly.

"See you around then." He answered back, and gave me another hearty smile.

I followed him with my gaze, and heaved a sigh. I wondered what it would have been like if I stayed close to him, or if I gave in to the feeling I once had. Would it have hurt more than it did when I left? But I knew it was too late to be trying to analyze things.

I pretended to read again, drowning myself in stories that temporarily colored my world.

Goodbye 2006!

2006-12-29T00:25:00.001-08:00

I found this survey in Ala Paredes’ blog so I decided to answer it too… my year-end entry. I’m feeling all diva-ish. =)

What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
I was absent for one class so many times that both my hands wouldn’t be enough to count. Luckily, I passed that class. I went to Siquijor with my Barkada and I also went to my first two kick-ass debate tournaments – one national and one international. I think I’ve found my calling. =)

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I’m not really into making new years’ resolutions since I turned 12. That’s when I found out that I didn’t have what it took to keep them.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope. Most people close to me are my age.

Did anyone close to you die?
Not really close to me but yep, a lot of people I know died this year. Four students, one dean, and a few teachers – all from Silliman.

What countries did you visit?
None. But hopefully I get to visit two next year. =)

What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Academic excellence? Haha. Direction in life, a good relationship with my Dad and a keke.

What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My eighteenth birthday, definitely. Though I didn’t have a grand party, that day was bitchin’. Probably the whole Hibalag experience too…so that would be from July to August. Oh yeah, the Dish thing.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finally having a heart-to-heart talk with my Mom and being able to open up to her completely.

What was your biggest failure?
My biggest failure? The incident when my carelessness almost destroyed everything I had. Fortunately, something good came out of it.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
No. I was healthy all year.

What was the best thing you bought?
I’m not sure. Probably, flip-flops. I started my whole slipper-revolution this year.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Definitely not mine. Tracy McGrady! He’s not a ball-hog anymore. =)

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I won’t tell. Secret na lang…

Where did most of your money go?
Debate. It’s actually not my money. It’s my mom’s. But if you mean my allowance, COFFEE and food and gas.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Debate. God, I’m such a boring, obsessed nerd. Cool.

What song(s) will always remind you of 2006?
Boom tarat tarat. I don’t mean that in a good way. Hawak Kamay by Yeng. It’s almost as overplayed as Pinoy Ako by Orange and Lemons. Again, not in a good way. Narda too.

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? -- sadder. But I had lots of happy moments too.
ii. thinner or fatter? –- fatter. I should be on a diet.
iii. richer or poorer? –- still the same. My mother is as frugal as when I was seven.

What do you wish you'd done more?
Study.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Fooling around, playing hooky and caring about sh*t that don’t really matter.

How many one-night stands?
Ngeek.

What was your favorite TV program?
Project Runway, Desperate Housewives, and That 70’s Show.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yep. I so won’t tell.

What was the best book you read?
Holding Out by Anne Faulk, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmm… I’m not into music this year eh. I don’t know what happened. I’m becoming musically-old.

What did you want and get?
More friends. Eccentric friends.

What was your favorite film of this year?
Rent. Hands down.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
A small party. Eighteen.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I should have gone to the NDC. God, what a loss.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Plain. Too plain.

What kept you sane?
sleep, movies and books.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Elliott Yamin of American Idol. I was so obsessed with him this year...

What political issue stirred you the most?
Probably the war in the Middle East. Apparently, they're still fighting. =(

Who did you miss?
Maia, Geliah and Jessamine. I miss them so much!

Who was the best new person you met?
Ooh, I met a lot of people this year. Kuya Razcel, probably. I never met someone like him. Boho-Environmentalist-Artist turned politician. Haha. The most eccentric of all. :)

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
When you’ve got nothing good to say, don’t speak. When you’ve got nothing good to offer, back off.

What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself:
I don’t remember. It’s either I’m unappreciative or nobody told me anything. =)

The most touching experience you've had this year?
My heart-to-heart talk with my Mom.

What did you like most about yourself this year?
My debate career.

What did you hate most about yourself this year?
Getting into things I’m not supposed to.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"There's only us, there's only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way. No day but today... - RENT soundtrack"

Was 2006 a good year for you?
I’m not sure. In some aspects, yes. In some, not really.

What was your favorite moment of the year?
Ahh, when I talked to my ultimate dream guy at Dish. I'm never going to forget that for as long as I live! =)

What was your least favorite moment of the year?
My confrontation with ykw.

Where were you when 2006 began?
Silliman Village, Piapi, Dumaguete City. Haha.

Who were you with?
Family.

Where will you be when 2006 ends?
Silliman Village, Piapi, Dumaguete City.

Who will you be with when 2006 ends?
Family.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2007?
Nope. But I will probably make a list of some I intend to keep.

What was your favorite month of 2006?
February.

Did you lose anybody close to you in 2006?
Jessamine. Well, I didn’t really lose her. She just left for the States.

What was your favorite record from 2006?
The APO cd... :)

How many concerts did you see in 2006?
Hmm… none. Dumaguete is such a loser when it comes to cool concerts.

Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2006?
I had the least alcohol this year ever since I started drinking. Hurrah for me!

Do a lot of drugs in 2006?
NO

You do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Ya… but I got over them.

How much money did you spend in 2006?
Not much probably.

What was your proudest moment of 2006?
Debate?

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2006?
I don’t want to talk about it. ;)

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2006 and change something, what would it be?
God, December 23. Won’t tell you why.

What are your plans for 2007?
Trying not to flunk, organizing the Cultural show during CBA week, and winning VUDC.

How are you different now that the year has ended?
I’m more informed. I guess I’m better.

What are your wishes for the new year?
I hope I don’t mess the year up big time. =)

Outgrowing Christmas

2006-12-29T00:25:00.000-08:00

This is the worst Christmas ever.

Or perhaps the second worst. Last year's Christmas was downright torture.

I locked myself inside my room and snootily refused to join my family for noche buena (despite my Mom's nagging - which by the way made everything so much worse). The Espino father-daughter feud was at its height that time and I just couldn't bear to sit with my Dad on the same table, pretending to be a part of the 'family' when I felt like the unwanted illegitimate child. I felt like a rebel, in a good way. Kind of like the cool kids in movies who hated their parents and started drinking, and smoking, and taking drugs, and ditching school. Ok - at that time, THOSE things were cool for me.

This year, I spent 5 minutes on the table. A lousy improvement but an improvement nonetheless. I stuffed myself too much while cooking (the legendary tikim-tikims), and so my Christmas feast was an hour premature.

Anyway, I lost interest in Christmas. I guess it IS true that the season is only for children.

When I was a kid, I always had at least three presents under the tree. Now, we almost FORGOT to put up the tree. Had it not been for our maid who reminded us that we were supposed to put up a tree (apparently, it's an SOP for her), we never would have bothered. And oh yes, no gifts AT ALL. I only received money from my Mom, which I spent buying clothes for a party I went to. But what good is a Christmas present if it's not wrapped in shiny red wrapper with an equally shiny red ribbon?

We also didn't decorate the house this year with lights and other Christmas ornaments. Now, this is a totally big change since we spend half of our Christmas bonding as a family decorating the house. I always found it funny how my Dad would always compare our house to our next door neighbor's who could very well be a professional Christmas decorator or something. Yeah, our house looks like shit compared to their's but ours was done with love (shudder).

The food we had weren't as festive as last year's. We only had cheese sticks (which I proudly made), ham, mango pandan and dozens of brownies which were all from the cafeteria (eek!). Mom didn't even have the decency to cook rice.

I think our parents finally made up their minds that we were too old for Christmas, or perhaps old enough to know what Christmas really is.

Christmas is an excuse (a very famous one, might I add) to give children something to look forward to. It's the day they've stayed NICE for, throughout the whole year -- good kids get better presents from Santa.

You see, it's just another ordinary day that specializes in making non-children more miserable about growing old. And if you haven't figured that out yet, it's about time to grow up.

Merry Christmas to you. =/

Losing him...

2006-12-14T19:05:00.000-08:00

Last night, my Dad came home from Cebu. While perhaps most daughters would be glad about this, I was but left feeling otherwise. There's always this feeling of unease when he's around, as if some stranger came to visit. And I don't like it at all.

When he arrives, he wouldn't even greet us, he'd go straight to his room, change his clothes, play with the dog for a while, shoot a derisive comment or two (at me), then leave the house to play majong or tong-its with his friends. It has always been the same routine, and sometimes, out of nowhere, he would scold us for no valid reason, and because I am who I am, I would shoot back - and we would end up fighting over something that wasn't even a real issue to begin with.

God knows I try so hard to understand him and his situation. I know that I just have to deal with his moods or whatever, but I just couldn't. What hurts me the most is the fact that we once had a seemingly perfect relationship.

In the year 2004, my Dad suffered a stroke. I was told that oxygen couldn't reach his brain because of the foreign substances blocking his arteries. After hearing the news from my mother, who was hurriedly packing her things for Cebu, I felt as if my world fell apart. I loved my Father so much, and I didn't want to lose him. I offered to come with her, but I was in my senior year of high school and I could not afford to miss classes. It upset me that I couldn't be with my Dad in that crucial time, but my Mom assured me that he was going to be ok.

I remember crying for several hours inside my room as images and ideas of losing him entered my mind like crazy. I was sixteen, and it was too early to lose a Father. He was always the one I ran to when Mom was being hysterical, and the one I would ask money from when Mom was being her parsimonious self. I would give him hugs and kisses when he came home, and when I did something good in school, I would braggingly tell him about it, and he would kid about me lying or exaggerating things again.

Fear was what I had to battle... fear of losing all of these, and ultimately, fear of losing my Father.

He was hospitalized for weeks, and with each day that passed, I prayed for his life.

When my Mom called me and told me they'd be going home in a few more days and that Dad was ok, I felt rejuvinated. Knowing that my Dad was fine has become my saving grace.

There was one tiny problem though... he doesn't remember us.

Amnesia? No. He couldn't remember our names, but he knew we exist. He couldn't remember names of animals, names of food, names of vehicles, names of almost EVERYTHING. And since he refused to undergo therapy, he had to deal with his handicap himself.

Never did I expect that this little, puny detail that was brought about by the stroke would change my life forever.

We all saw it. The change. My Dad wasn't the same as before. The old Dad was much more jolly, effervescent and cool. Instead, what came in his place was a grumpy, irritable, and narrow-minded guy who seemed to not know who we were.

He was different, far, FAR different before the stroke. It was as if he suddenly forgot who I was, or the relationship we shared. He gradually viewed me as someone else. And never did it enter my mind that he would be thinking that way.

He suddenly kept on scolding me about my studies (apparently, my grades were too low), about my extra-curriculars (the reason for my grades being low) , about my friends (whom he fondly called "mga loko-loko", and he accused me of being "pabaya" and not listening to him anymore. Before, he was contented with what I can do in school, very proud of my achievements, and he would happily greet my friends who came over to the house.

My dad became a stranger... to me, at least.

October of last year, I experienced a motorcycle accident. My mother was by my side, telling me that my Dad was going to be ok with it, since I never meant for all those to happen. I went home, fearful of what my Dad might say.

After my mother told him the news, he went outside of their room (I was in the sala), and shot a fierce look at me, cut the gaze and spoke, "Kaya nga ba wala na akong ka-amor amor diyan sa batang iyan, eh. Wala na. She's dead for me."

Those words will forever be etched in my memory. It was the day I found out the painful truth about my father.

I cried my heart out inside my room, my mother beside me, crying as well.

I didn't sleep home that night. And I didn't talk to my Dad for months. Not a word. Not even a glance. I experienced not eating together with the family, even during Christmas and New Year.

I hated my Dad. And hate was such an understatement.

It's been more than two years since my Dad's stroke. Back then, I prayed for his safety, for his life. I was afraid he was never going home. I was afraid I would lose him.

Did God really answer my prayers?

All I know is that yes, my Dad DID go home, but he never really came back.

And even if he's here and I see him - alive, I feel like I've lost my father after all.

The FIRST leaves a mark

2006-12-11T20:12:00.000-08:00

I was hesitant to try it, though I've longed to do it for so long. But I was scared. Some people get too attached, addicted, obsessed - craving for it all the time. Some get their hearts broken, even if they've given it their all. Yet I knew it was a risk I had to take. It was time that I gave myself a chance to be happy. Curiosity got the best of me. My life was never going to be the same.

In my room, I was trembling. I didn't know how to do it - even if I saw it being done so many times on TV, on pictures, and in movies. There's nothing like experiencing it for yourself, with every sensation running through your body and every emotion rushing through your veins.

Handsome in black and red. I smiled. Perfect, I thought. I couldn't take my eyes off. I immediately threw my arms around My Love and began the most wonderful experience of my life.

I used my hands to touch the contours of the body, closing my eyes in order to feel the moment. My fingers ran up and down, until it brought me pleasure. On the bed, I was uneasy but I started to play, trying positions out, seeing if they worked for me. Sounds were made, however pleasant or unpleasant they were (I hope no one heard them). When I got the hang of it, I just continued, and continued, until I grew tired, until My Love grew restless as well.

I sat up, feeling more fulfilled than ever. I now know why so many people yearn for this ecstasy, why some never want to stop. I turned around and saw the most beautiful body on my bed. Still perfect, in whatever light.

I knew this was the beginning of a life-long relationship. Now that I've started it, I'm never going to allow it to end.

Me and my guitar. BOW.

New Blog Skin (again!)

2006-12-10T21:48:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! As you can see, I changed my blog again. Hehe. I figured this is a much better blog skin than the one I had before... No more navigations and much, much more reader-friendly, don't you think?

Anyway, if you're wondering where I get these skins, it's at www.blogskins.com... Thousands of choices there. I bet you would find one which fits you just right. If you need help pimping your blog, just drop me a line, I'd be willing to help!

Merry Christmas! :)

senseless shit

2006-11-26T18:38:00.000-08:00

I was flipping through "The Mind of God" just yesterday, (I meant to borrow the book from RJ, which he better lend me soon) when I saw this mega-interesting 2-liner. It kinda baffled me for a minute or two and so I began probing it verbally, hoping to get input from everybody else inside the room (we were at the uni house BTW) - they simply ignored me so I stopped trying to analyze it.

Here it is, not exact words, though:

Socrates: What Plato is about to say is false.
Plato: Socrates just told the truth.

Exactly, right?

I know it's probably part of the basics of logic and philosophy or whatever, but gosh - it’s just mind-boggling.

Anyway, whatever.

I remember RJ telling us that his Dad was trying to explain something really complex and all philosophical and everything, when his mom coolly shot, "You know what Ben, nobody really cares."

Hear, hear. Nobody really does, anyway.

So why bother?

(*note: this makes this entry completely useless - but it's MY blog, so who cares?)

Bringing out the nerd in me

2006-11-26T18:17:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been stressing about this idea that "I don't know anything" regarding everything I ought to have known ever since I decided to become a debater. It's kind of a 'chartered' obligation for everyone who dare call him or herself such, that he or she must know EVERYTHING - well, at least those things that have significance when debating. It is held, in the debate community, that no inferior, substandard mind can ever be able to truly contend with the brilliant minds of THE debaters. (I'm starting to sound more and more like a poet. Haha.)

And you see, stemming from my naivete or perhaps my lack of sentience with reality (cut me some slack, I was young), I always had this delusional idea that we (Silliman) would someday beat the hell out of the hegemony that is Ateneo. Sadly, after reading their blogs, I found out about their life-long commitment to kicking ass, through higher philosophy and shrewd reasoning. And at the rate we're going, all hopes have now become impossible.

So, in order to at least be able to have a decent round with any Ateneo team, I have devoted myself to the pursuit of learning (and this time, I mean it). Kudos to the other Silliman debaters who have also come to realize that occasionally reading TIME is not enough, hence, Kristi with "The Republic", Yana with "The Prince", Gers with "The World is Flat" (read: it's good to know the basics) and RJ with his new obsession, "Venus in Exile" which made him all crazy about beauty in a postmodernist perspective. (BTW, accolades RJ for letting everyone borrow his books).

I, on the other hand, am trying to understand the philosophies of Soren Kierkegaard and Michel Foucault, which, DAMMIT, aren't easy. As strategy, I began with subjects that were most appealing, such as the former's existentialism and Foucault's sexual revolution (credits to Lyde, and Sir Casocot for letting me sit-in in his literature class).

Hopefully, I don't end up confusing myself even more with information overload.

a lesson learned

2006-11-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

A lesson to everyone out there who don't have a driver's license, yet still insist on driving:

NEVER hit anybody, especially a COP. NEVER.

It ain't pretty.

A new beginning... i hope.

2006-11-06T22:14:00.000-08:00

And so, it begins.

Another semester, another heartache? A few weeks back, i had a major identity crisis, and no, it's not the 'am-I-a-homo?' crisis (hell NO); it was more of an 'I-don't-know-what-the-fuck-I'm-gonna-do!' thing. Let's just say I was caught between two choices that will pretty much determine not just the rest of my college life, but my future career as well (that is, if we put it in extremes - which I would.)

Save being evasive about it, I haven't really done anything with regards to the issue - an individual twist or whatever. I freely let other people persuade and practically, decide for me. And even if I seem to have made up my mind already, endless questions still linger at the back of my head. Convincing myself that I chose the right thing didn't help at all. Not if I was so sure that I'd be better off choosing otherwise. (read: Bryce would surely kill me after he reads this entry.)

Not to mention irritating comments and questions like, "diba ni-shift na ka?" or "Why are you taking this class? Naa diay ni sa Mass Com?" If you've asked me these, don't feel bad, I'm not mad at you. It's kind of my fault, actually - I literally shouted my plans to shift to the whole world. I really just don't want to talk about it... it just depresses me even more.

I guess I have no other choice but to let things unfold on their own. Maybe in the middle of this semester, I'd learn to love my course, or perhaps realize that I'm meant to do something else. Whichever.

I am only hoping that this semester wouldn't be anything like the last one. I can't handle too much drama right now... or ever.

i have issues... i Debate!

2006-10-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

So... what have I been doing lately, you ask? Well -- I've been working my butt off debating and training the High School Debate Society. Not really on top of my 'supposed' priorities but hey, I'm having fun. That's all that matters.

I'm still really bummed that I wasn't able to join the NDC this year - now that I deel I could've kicked some more ass than I did at the AUDC. So right now, half of the gang is in Baguio (both teams broke in the Octos by the way) and the other hald is stuck here in hot Dumaguete teaching 15-year olds how to debate. But don't get me wrong. It's not that I hate it (God knows I don't), it's just that I haven't really debated in a Brit Parl Competition and this could've been my chance. They say it's easier to break in NDC (well, APPARENTLY.)

And not to forget a very important detail - it's Euphemism's (take note, this is a name code) last tournament (i think) before he graduates. I'd at least want to see him go for the win for the last time. You see, I happen to know that he's never won a championship in anything (always the runner up) but he's a BRILLIANT debater, and I'd very much want to support him in this competition.

Sadly, my inability to talk money to my parents have caused me to miss such opportunity and ultimately skip what is perhaps my dream guy's last chance to capture the gold. I feel so bad. But I couldn't just mope around and wait for nothing. If they're debating in Baguio, then we might as well be debating here at home.

I'm also very ecstatic about my miraculous improvement over the past few days (I felt like i was so stagnant before). Out of 7 debates, I got 5 first place(s), and 2 second place(s). Lowest score I ever got was 74, and the highest was 77, which I'm quite proud of. This is actually better than the 71's and 72's I always had before. I've improved on my manner a lot -- no longer repeating myself and also being able to substantiate on my arguments more. Finally, I am able to grasp what Noel has been trying to tell me over and over in the past. With more practice, I just might be able to break in more tournaments! Hehe... I'm way over my head now.

Anyhoo, I'm preparing myself for VRDC. I aim to at least reach the finals. I'll be ready for them!

Unparalleled

2006-10-13T02:01:00.000-07:00

It simply amazes me how i can be so damn relaxed when i still got a million things to do! I feel like I'm in some crazy dimension where procrastination is the official language of all... or perhaps, I'm still in this dimension - people can be really lazy at times. Well, in my case, I'm lazy ALL THE TIME... so then that means that I'm really on a league of my own... hehe. (*shout out to the biggest procrastinators out there... your queen needs company) :)

I guess I just couldn't get over the whole mess this semester has turned out to be. The 4-month limbo just reeks lunacy. As much as I'd like to throw everything away, and forget everything as soon as possible, i'm having a really difficult time. Perhaps the fear of having to face a lot of responsibilities has taken over me... and I'm not sure if I'm strong enough (or skilled enough) to actually go through them without exacerbating the situation further, or damaging things I treasure the most - my family and my relationships with other people.

But who else is there to blame but myself? I was the one who got all stupid and started doing things without thinking twice. I was the one who deliberately neglected the things I should've prioritized way more than what I thought was fun and exciting. I was the one who foolishly mislead myself into thinking that what I do today doesn't really have that much effect on my future.

Ignorant, foolish, stupid me.

It took all this drama to wake me up... to bring me back to my senses. I'm eighteen. I'm supposed to be an adult.

I'm supposed to be mature enough to make the right decisions, to do the right things. This is the real deal now. I can't keep on calling out for my mom when I mess up. How can I ever stand up on my own two feet if she keeps bailing me out of every stupid mistake I make? Nobody - not even me - could live like that.

A new life -- there's nothing more I would want. An opportunity to start over, to use the past as a guide for me to do the right things. I know that it's not going to be perfect, nor is it going to be smooth-sailing. But I know it's the only way for me to change... not necessarily undo my mistakes, i couldn't do that. I just want to make things right.

The problem is - I don't know where to start... or even WHEN to start. The problems I have right now, I have yet to face. If only I could run away just to be done with it, I seriously would. But in the real world, people like me solve their problems the right way.

But as of this moment, I feel really REALLY crappy...

Twenty reasons why I love you

2006-10-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

Out of complete and utter boredom, I browsed through my PC files last night (I was so tired of studying!!!). I came across articles, poems, stories, and even songs which I wrote in elementary and High School. I really had a good laugh (lots of it, actually) reading all the craziness I wrote back then. But here's one that I'm quite proud of. I wonder where all THESE came from... *wink* :)

Twenty reasons why I LOVE you:

I love you...

because of how corny you are being a Beatles fanatic
because of how you make me stifle a laugh during my worst moments
because of how hearing your voice (without really having to comprehend what you say) soothes me in every way
because of how I lose myself in your gaze, no matter how hard I try not to
because of how crazy I seem always looking for your face in a crowd
because of how your hair is all messy and I have to keep reminding you to fix it
because of how you make me think of you last before I go to sleep and remember you first when I wake up
because of how remembering the little things you do make me stop for a second and smile
because of how you try too hard to be romantic, fail, and in the end become romantic in my eyes simply for ‘trying’
because of how I imagine you beside me when you’re not around
because of how both your eyebrows raise when I say something silly
because of how much I miss you even when you’re only a few feet away
because of how you could understand what I’m going through, even if I, myself couldn’t
because of how your mere presence makes me feel safe from every harm
because of how you look into my eyes and see the real me; then from your eyes, I start to see the real me as well
because of how your mood swings just make me want to hug you tight
because of how you make me want to sing in the shower, in the kitchen, in the bedroom, and everywhere else
because of how you make me want to become a better person each and every day
because of how I feel when I’m with you – like I’m falling in love for the first time over and over again
and finally, because of how you give me every reason to continue loving you – not for as long as I shall live, but for as long as I shall love.

CORNY!!! Haha!

Let's Chill

2006-09-26T18:35:00.002-07:00

It's 1:30 am, and I'm here at Dunkin Donuts, cold and sleepy to the music of my hero, Norah Jones.

In front of me is Marianne - a blabbermouth, as most people who know her would say, but a brilliant writer nonetheless. It just amazes me how much life and charisma emanates from her stories, whether verbal or written...i wager she'd someday be one of the best storytellers of our time.

Even at this hour, she's usually really still boisterous, but tonight is different. All her energy's been used up after she told us about how she forgot her key yesterday and couldn't get in her apartment at 3 am in the morning. After exhausting all efforts on texting people who might be able to help her, she resolves to just walk around Dumaguete and wait for the sunrise. No wink of sleep for her.

At this very moment, she's here with us (when she's supposed to be in her apartment sleeping her weariness away), arms folded upon the table, with her head resting down and her eyes shut. I hope she's dreaming of more stories.

Two empty seats to my right is Kuya Razcel, our beloved (or not so beloved) SG president; but I would rather think of him as the die-hard environmentalist-slash-indie artist who happened to be famous and decided to do some people a favor by running for president. Anyway, he's buried in 'Shanghai Boy' by Chinese author Wei Hui.

I finally ask him what the book is all about after a few shrieks of "Holy SHIT!" and moments of watery eyes.

"Feminism, a philandering woman caught between an addicted artist and a German guy. It's a sad, sad story."

"It shows." I snigger. Kuya Razcel is TOO different from the other guys today. He's got more sensitivity than all the occupants of Doltz Hall combined (no offense dirg), and he's extremely emotional. I remember how he once cried over crickets, which eventually let to our constant banter on him; and he keeps a journal for God's sake! (p.s. I love that journal)

Anyway, I'm asking for an artwork from him -- just in case he becomes some famous artist someday.

At my back is Lyde, the resident gay poet. It doesn't surprise me that he opted to sit in another table - the very table he spent his 18th birthday on...alone. He actually has this fetish for being overly-melodramatic about his life, or as Denver would put it, "He makes simple things complicated." I would agree with him, but if it weren't for Lyde's 'emote' moments, he wouldn't have made the poems we love.

Glancing at my back, I find Lyde beaming with pleasure. He rolls he's eyeballs, seemingly examining the area, fixes his eyes on me and gives me a nod, as if signaling for me to do the same. I give him a squint, and I look around to find out what he's so happy about.

"Oh, ok." I sneer with Lyde at the sight. Eight out of fourteen tables are occupied by two guys (who seem like they're dating).

"This is really the era of Brokeback Mountain," Lyde comments nonchalantly, almost giggling, causing Marianne to fidget and give a smile. (Kuya Razcel is still indifferent... he's almost crying now. What's that book doing to him???)

I eventually engaged Lyde in a debate/conversation about possibilities and prejudice. My gaze broke off and turned to two guys drinking coffee at a nearby table. They seem to be getting more uncomfortable by the minute. I'm not sure if they've been eavesdropping, (or maybe they had no choice but to listen because our voices were too loud anyway). Funny - I wonder if they're guilty or not.

Everything is quiet again, and the two guys stand up to leave. One of them is wearing an "I love Party Chicks" shirt. "Yeah right," I muttered under my breath. Closet case.

Sigh. I realize how much I love hanging out like this - chilling over coffee and hot chocolate in the wee hours of the morning, just using up the creative juices left before retiring for the day.
And I couldn't think of a better crowd to just do this with.

Ironic yet true

2006-09-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

In perhaps the best conversation I ever had with my mom, she asked me why I no longer have the passion for my studies, unlike before (when i was in elementary and high school). This question baffled me, and I was literally unable to respond. When she asked the question again, I wasn't sure how she'd take my answer.

"I'm just not sure what I really want," was all I could mutter.

Almost squinting, I expected her to start blabbering about how I'm already in my sophomore year and how I wasted my three semesters, when in fact I had all of High School to decide what course I'd like to take and think about what life I'd want to lead.

Honestly, back in High School, if there was one person in our class who knew exactly what he or she wanted, that would be me. Being the president of our graduating batch, I didn't want to seem like I didn't know what to do. When everybody took the Nursing test just to have a fallback in case they do decide to take up the course (even if they didn't want to -- you know how parents are), I stepped back, and confidently told them I would never be a nurse.

Four years of accountancy, then law. After bar exams, I'd be a corporate lawyer in some big company.

At least that's what I told everybody.

Right now, I'm certain that it's no longer what I want. The problem is, I don't know what I want.
Then, being the best mom ever, she asked me what I love doing, what were the things I enjoyed. Perhaps, she could help me decide. "The earlier you make up your mind the better."

I told her that I love talking -- it's the reason why I joined debate society in the first place. I couldn't imagine myself just making financial statements in the corner. (I would die!) I love writing -- stories, essays, poems (however crappy they may be), plays, etc. I love reading, I love sensible and deep conversations, I love meeting new and interesting people, I love music and instruments and singing. I almost love anything except everything that has to do with my present course. Ironic yet true.

She then asked me if I want to shift to Mass Com. Maybe that's where I belong.

I stifled a giggle and replied, "Mie, adopted Mass Com na bya ko."

I was quite sure she didn't understand what I meant by being 'adopted', but she told me how she suggested the course before I even enrolled in college. Of course, I couldn't remember her doing so since I was so sure that I would be taking up accountancy (coz that's what I told everyone).

"Do you think you could finish in four years if you shift to Mass Com? Maybe you can just take full load every summer then you'd be able to graduate in 2009. You better ask their office."

I didn't respond again. I'm not sure if I really wanted to shift. Admittedly, I enjoy the company of a lot of Mass Com students, but I want to make sure this isn't just a phase. I recall wanting to become a teacher just this summer (special thanks to Sir Ian Casocot). Apparently, it was just something that receded right away.

Here's something I thought could help me. Although the Internet isn't exactly the best thing anybody could consult regarding these matters, it doesn't hurt to try. I answered a personality test -- it's supposed to tell me what kind of person I was and what job best suits me.

You Are An ENFP
The Inspirer
You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules.Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're qutie the storyteller!
You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

I read it anxiously, hoping that this could be the savior I was waiting for. After the last sentence, I sighed and laid back lazily on my mom's comfy office chair.

I would make an excellent ENTREPRENEUR, POLITICIAN or JOURNALIST. Great. Just great.

I'm in business administration right now so I can one day be an ENTREPRENEUR (the thing I realized I don't feel like doing anymore), I'm only a student POLITICIAN yet I hate it already (to those who know me personally, remember what I feel like doing?) and I'm not even sure about being a JOURNALIST (despite my mom nudging me to shift to Mass Com).

Oh God! Oh God! Even the Internet couldn't help me out.

I'm hoping that one day I'd wake up with a great desire to be a painter or a filmmaker. Then, it would be sooo much easier.

Help.

Chronicles of a Caffeine Aficionado

2006-09-16T00:32:00.000-07:00

I have a mission – and it’s to raid all the coffee places in Dumaguete (or anywhere within my reach by creaky motorcycle) as much as I possibly can. I guess my being a coffee addict has its benefits. After almost nine years of being an adopted ‘Dumagueteño’, I finally had the initiative to start memorizing where you find certain places in what streets.

At the moment, I’m seated at the corner bench here at The Lounge Compuesto, a newly opened café-slash-bar-slash-restaurant, seemingly writing my Friday afternoon away. I’ve read their flyer once, (when some girl shoved several papers at me while I was approaching Hibbard Hall) and it says that their coffee shop closes at 5 pm. I’m convinced that this place turns into the ‘bar’ after five.

The buy-one-take-one coffee shake is nice, or perhaps I’m only neglecting the fact that it tastes just like the instant coffee I always have at home because the cute waiter who served me offered to brighten the lights a little bit so I could see what I’m writing. I’m also loving the fact that these two tall glasses with cherries on top only cost me thirty pesos. Yep, thirty measly pesos.

Oops – the cute waiter just approached me to tell me about the cakes they have. Banana Flan or Mango Float. I told him I’d have the latter, and after informing me that it’s twenty-five pesos, he gave me a smile! I smiled back, of course.

I guess the only problem I have with this place is their music. I’m currently listening to some oldie-pop song which I could have sworn was sung by Michael learns to rock. (I remember hearing this song back in second grade.) The place is almost deserted as well, except for two men at my left, gulping down a couple of Colt 45’s while engaging in a somewhat deep conversation.

Ooh. Their mango float tastes heavenly.

Overall, the Lounge Compuesto is given THREE STARS for effort (and the cute waiter). As much as I’d like to give it a higher mark, I feel there’s something missing. And besides, it could never compare to my all time favorite, Café Antonio.

I was back at Café Antonio last night. The owner (whose name I have yet to find out), smiled at me. He probably remembers me to be one of their “suki” – a group of boisterous students (no offense LYDE, EASTER, MARIANNE, DENVER, DIRGY) who constantly ordered just one drink each and stayed until the closing time.

He signaled to me if I wanted to play the piano. I politely said “no” and took my seat.

Surprisingly, John was the one who took my order. He’s a classmate back in Grade 4 (I didn’t know he worked there). I wonder how much he makes. If I decide to stop studying, I’ll probably consider getting a job here.

I ordered a Mocha Frap Classic and Ham & Cheese Sandwich and buried myself in Menchu Aquino Sarmiento’s “Meditations of a Piss Artist”.

It’s about a misunderstood guy who has become a pessimistic and troubled student in UP Diliman whose area of expertise is making his piss look pretty. Quite the rebel, he made his teachers fume (and horny) – and easily became the class hero. Women practically threw themselves at him (including his gay dean) and he simply entertained them, like he’s doing them a favor.

But there was this one girl whom he treated like nobody else. For him, she was different – demure, innocent, intelligent – far from the other women he’s been with. The problem was, he couldn’t even make a move on her, and she seemed uninterested.

In the end, he makes love to another woman but imagines the girl of his dreams. They aren’t even making love in his mind. They’re simply talking, and laughing, and kissing.

I left Café Antonio at 9 pm – I promised my mom I’d go home early. I almost left without paying! Hehe. I give Café Antonio FIVE STARS for being the best place to stay. Their coffee selection is delightful, and the piano-work is perfect. I feel like an bohemian-indie artist and a metropolitan yuppie at the same time. :p

Wait a minute. I swear this cute waiter was the guy Kleng2x introduced to me at the Booth Area. But then again, I’m not sure.

Going back, I also visited Coco Grande two days ago – just to save me from being caught driving without a license. I parked around thirty meters away from the checkpoint (Coco Grande lot) and stayed inside until the “dakop” was through.

Yippee! Michael Buble! (Finally a decent song.)

I was the only one in their Café, freezing cold. I ordered a cup of coffee and a slice of chocolate cake, and again, put out my stories and read. I especially liked “Termino” by Dean Francis Alfar (the best storyteller ever!)

I’ve never really eaten at Coco Grande’s Café before. I just realized that it has this sophisticated atmosphere that is quite promising. It just lacks music and personality. I bet they’d have younger customers if they only made the place more ‘masa’ yet still exuding that hint of urbanity and cosmopolitan feel. I give it FOUR STARS because I was able to concentrate on my stories the most staying there.

I glance at my watch. 3:30 pm.

Shit. I think the cute waiter’s gay.

I Do Not Love You - Pablo Neruda

2006-09-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

2006-09-04T23:28:00.000-07:00

Elliott Yamin - Home

this is one of the most beautiful songs I have heard... sung by the best American Idol ever.

months...months...

2006-09-03T01:12:00.000-07:00

Here's something for everybody. I'm not really much of a fan of horoscopes, astrology and the like, but it really fascinates me how these things actually [oftentimes] make sense. Read on and find out if these are true about you!

People born on:

January

Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.

February

Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

March

Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.

April

Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able
to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.

May

Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance.
Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High-spirited.

June

You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!

July

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

August

Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes
talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.

September

Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.

October

Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

November

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because they're one of a kind.

December

This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible... Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer.Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music.

all effed up

2006-08-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm writing this when I should be working.

This day wreaks shit. I'm supposed to have my midterm exam in less than an hour but I'm stuck here - teary-eyed to Hale's Blue Sky. I have no idea what the exam will be all about; and just when I see a 'ray of hope' in skipping today's midterm, Kuya Razcel takes off. There goes my excuse slip.

My body weighs a ton and thinking about all of the things I still have to do makes me want to just commit suicide and end all the madness. WAAH! Why am I in this mess to begin with? Everything's just so effed up! If I didn't feel sorry for the people I'm working with, I would've quit long ago. And besides, if I pull out now, it's gonna be JAIL for me.

I never thought I'd see the day when I start getting tired of money. GOsh, I haven't graduated yet but I feel like retiring from work already.

I need sleep. Any moment now, my eyes are going to give in. Damn this!

There's a blue sky waiting tomorrow...

Yeah right. No blue skies for me any time soon.

Homophobic Journalist

2006-08-17T17:08:00.001-07:00

When I read this article in one of my fave blogs , I was just so pissed off! There's seriously something wrong with this delusional writer. Read on and let's diss this crazy person!

`Don we now our gay apparel`
By Isagani Cruz
Published on Page A10 of the August 12, 2006 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer

HOMOSEXUALS before were mocked and derided, but now they are regarded with new-found respect and, in many cases, even treated as celebrities. Only recently, the more impressionable among our people wildly welcomed a group of entertainers whose main proud advertisement was that they were `queer`. It seems that the present society has developed a new sense of values that have rejected our religious people`s traditional ideas of propriety and morality on the pretext of being `modern` and `broad-minded.

`The observations I will here make against homosexuals in general do not include the members of their group who have conducted themselves decorously, with proper regard not only for their own persons but also for the gay population in general. A number of our local couturiers, to take but one example, are less than manly but they have behaved in a reserved and discreet manner unlike the vulgar members of the gay community who have degraded and scandalized it. I offer abject apologies to those blameless people I may unintentionally include in my not inclusive criticisms. They have my admiration and respect.

The change in the popular attitude toward homosexuals is not particular to the Philippines. It has become an international trend even in the so-called sophisticated regions with more liberal concepts than in our comparatively conservative society. Gay marriages have been legally recognized in a number of European countries and in some parts of the United States. Queer people -- that`s the sarcastic term for them -- have come out of the closet where before they carefully concealed their condition. The permissive belief now is that homosexuals belong to a separate third sex with equal rights as male and female persons instead of just an illicit in-between gender that is neither here nor there.

When I was studying in the Legarda Elementary School in Manila during the last 1930s, the big student population had only one, just one, homosexual. His name was Jose but we all called him Josefa. He was a quiet and friendly boy whom everybody liked to josh but not offensively. In the whole district of Sampaloc where I lived, there was only one homosexual who roamed the streets peddling `kalamay` and `puto` and other treats for snacks. He provided diversion to his genial customers and did not mind their familiar amiable teasing. I think he actually enjoyed being a `binabae` [effeminate].

The change came, I think, when an association of homos dirtied the beautiful tradition of the Santa Cruz de Mayo by parading their kind as the `sagalas` instead of the comely young maidens who should have been chosen to grace the procession. Instead of being outraged by the blasphemy, the watchers were amused and, I suppose, indirectly encouraged the fairies to project themselves. It must have been then that they realized that they were what they were, whether they liked it or not, and that the time for hiding their condition was over.Now homosexuals are everywhere, coming at first in timorous and eventually alarming and audacious number. Beauty salons now are served mostly by gay attendants including effeminate bearded hairdressers to whom male barbers have lost many of their macho customers. Local shows have their share of `siyoke` [gay men], including actors like the one rejected by a beautiful wife in favor of a more masculine if less handsome partner. And, of course, there are lady-like directors who are probably the reason why every movie and TV drama must have the off-color `bading` [gay] or two to cheapen the proceedings.

And the schools are now fertile ground for the gay invasion. Walking along the University belt one day, I passed by a group of boys chattering among themselves, with one of them exclaiming seriously, `Aalis na ako. Magpapasuso pa ako!`[I'm leaving. I still have to breastfeed!`] That pansy would have been mauled in the school where my five sons (all machos) studied during the `70s when all the students were certifiably masculine. Now many of its pupils are gay, and I don't mean happy. I suppose they have been influenced by such shows as `Brokeback Mountain`, our own `Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros` (both of which won awards), `Queer Eye for the Straight Guy`, and that talk program of Ellen Degeneres, an admitted lesbian.

Is our population getting to be predominantly pansy? Must we allow homosexuality to march unobstructed until we are converted into a nation of sexless persons without the virility of males and the grace of females but only an insipid mix of these diluted virtues? Let us be warned against the gay population, which is per se a compromise between the strong and the weak and therefore only somewhat and not the absolute of either of the two qualities. Be alert lest the Philippine flag be made of delicate lace and adorned with embroidered frills.

When does it end???

2006-08-09T05:28:00.000-07:00

This has been an incredibly crass day.

This morning, I was supposed to report on three feminist philosophers in my Christian Ethics class. But to my bewilderment, when I entered the classroom, my classmates were already preparing to leave. I was so confused.

At first I thought that he cancelled the reportings. Then, when I asked a classmate, he told me that our teacher already called the reporters when the bell rang. And when nobody stood up to report, he cancelled them - which means a score of ZERO for me. How fucked up is that?

I remember him telling the class that we 'd be getting a grade of INC if we weren't able to report. Now, what's the point in going to his class if I'm sure to get an INC?

MY TEACHER SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

Then, when I've finally made up my mind about dropping the subject, my friend tells me that it would be considered 'withdrawn'. I can't withdraw! It's just so wrong... Ugh!

If that weren't sucky enough, I go to the SG office in the afternoon only to be met by an editorial in the school paper saying that the CSO people are 'amateurs'. Ok, so what choice did we have but to let it go, right? Then, when I turn the page, another article which contained a quotation by me was there.

"What the ...!?!>@$ How the hell did he get this quotation?!?! I haven't seen him - or given him an interview! What the...(*&$)# UGH! They made me look dumb... AGAIN!!! The last time, they misquoted me and i seemed so stupid... and now, THIS!"

And so, out of anger (and a bit of embarrassment - gosh, who wouldn't be... EVERYBODY READS THE SCHOOL PAPER!), I went to their office and looked for the writer who wrote both articles. He wasn't there.

I talked to the people there instead (more like addressed the whole room, actually), and told them how pissed off I was about the article.

I did get a phone call and an apology from the writer but I'm still in the process of "recovery" right now.

That was SO EMBARRASSING! Hahay. Responsible Journalism. There goes my respect.

Top Ten!

2006-08-01T23:01:00.001-07:00

This is the next installment of Anna's ULTIMATE Top Tens.

Today: TOP TEN VIDEOKE SONGS!

For two straight Fridays now, I've been going home at 3 am in the morning (to my mom's dismay - that was some good reprimand, i tell you) to be with none other than my MASS COM friends (who else?). Anyway, we've decided that Friday is our official Videoke night of the week, where we drown ourselves in alcohol and scream to the songs of our choice- dedicated to the people who make our lives (and work at the SG) desolate and MISERABLE! *special shout out the the assholes who broke our hearts and the people who wouldn't leave us alone!*

And I've come up with the perfect top ten videoke songs for all of us!!! Hurray!

10. HEAVEN KNOWS by Price Rick- ok, not really the hate song i would've wanted this list to start out with. But, really, it's in the top 10. There was one time that the videoke machine got all crazy and listed Heaven Knows 8 times! We wanted to have a competition where we all sing the song and whoever got the highest score would win (duh.)! Unfortunately, Ate (i forgot her first name) decided not to let us sing 8 Heaven Knows... 'alakanse' daw sila. One song is P5.00 by the way.

9. LATER by Fra Lippo Lippi - When Richard sang this song, everybody just melted. And cried. Yep, somebody cried. A guy/gay cried. Ok, so Claudio cried. Probably it was all the beer - but I'd say it was Richard. When he opens his mouth, magic comes out. What a voice! Everybody wanted to make out with him after he finished the song. They were just too priggish to admit it. Haha!

8. BITCH by Meredith Brooks - The first time, it was Lyde who sang it. The second time, it was Kleng. Everybody was up on their feet screaming to the song. I'm a bitch! I'm a lover! I'm a child! I'm a fighter! I'm a sinner! I'm a saint! I do not feel ashamed! Isn’t the song just the most perfect screech-song? LOVE it.

7. BITUING WALANG NINGNING by Sharon Cuneta – Whoever suggested this song seriously wanted to sing it (but was too ashamed to admit it). I ended up singing the rest of the song though. That was when the drunkards and ‘tambay” outside of Country Gents started laughing. To hell with them. I was excellent. ^_^

6. JEALOUS by Nina – I could still clearly remember – six or seven people fought over the microphone to sing the song (myself, included). I don’t know why but when the title appeared on the screen, everybody started getting nutty… Eventually the song ended without anybody getting the chance to sing it properly.

5. BUKAS NA LANG KITA MAMAHALIN by Lani Misalucha – Oh my God. Aiken is the ultimate videoke singer!!! I couldn’t keep my mouth shut (it was wide open) when he started to sing… He sounded like a girl. EXACTLY like a girl. He even hit all the high notes like he was singing the alpahabet song. Whoa. All hail Aiken!

4. CAN’T FIGHT THE MOONLIGHT by Leann Rimes – This is MY signature song. Everybody keeps asking me to sing it every single time we go out for videoke. I don’t really know why. But the way I sung it last Friday, thank God people danced their hearts out. I would’ve looked like an idiot dancing by myself!

3. CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA by Oasis – Nobody told me this song existed. Nobody. I didn’t even know it was a song until one of the tambays sung it. It was really cool though. Not to mention, very poetic. “Someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide in a Champagne Supernova in the sky…” Denver sings his heart (and his intestines) out to this song. If only he could sing in tune (wahaha! Kidding Denv. Luv you!)

2. IRIS by Goo Goo Dolls – The greatest love song made. At least, for us. Lyde loves this song. It’s Easter’s favorite. Denver really got the lyrics just so he could sing it over and over. No doubt (clearly) on my part. I love the Dolls. Plus, everyone can sing the song! Everyone knows the song! That’s one really, really good song!

1. SIGE by 6cyclemind – The funny thing about this song is, nobody has ever sung it in our group. I’ll tell you why it’s number one. Of course, inside the videoke place, other people (aside from us) are also there. Usually, we hog the microphone and occupy half the place. But every time the song is for another group, it’s always this song. The drunkards love the song. Even though we don’t like it that much, they keep on singing it. Five times in one night. Now, THAT’s amazing.
That’s the end. I’m sure these songs will be sung again this Friday… Till next time guys! ^_^

Karma Chameleon

2006-07-18T17:44:00.000-07:00

I just had a really good conversation with a friend yesterday.

It actually surprised me that we were able to talk about something other than the people we hate, or corny but laugh-out-loud jokes, and other super shallow stuff. It all started when she said, "I wanna go back to being a bitch."

I tried desperately to hide my shock since I didn't want her to think I wasn't open to the conversation. "What do you mean?", was all I could utter. She told me that she wasn't as open now as she was before. way back when, she was a social animal, a drinker, a smoker, you fill in the blanks. Nobody was safe from her pranks, her attitude, her 'bitchin' if I might say so. I was wondering why anybody would want to go back to being somebody whom ideally, everybody hated. Why?

She told me that she feels empty...as if something big was missing in her life. She was simply confused, she added. She doesn't know who she really is, or what she's really meant to do in this world. One minute, she wants to be this; the next, she sees herself differently. For me, this was really odd because she was one of the few people I know who stands out in the crowd. Her distinct personality would always come out whoever she was with. I never thought someone like her could still be confused about who she is.

After a few minutes, we ended the conversation because she had to leave. After she left, it got me thinking about my own life. If she was this miserable, what of me? I don't want to admit that I, too, am confused. It just makes me think harder. I don't have time to think about myself right now, honestly. But the more I stay away, the harder it becomes. I start to ask questions I don't think anybody else could answer but me. The problem is, even I haven't found out the answers yet.

Tawi, a good friend, once told me that I'm like a chameleon. I adapt to the people I'm with. If I'm with drinkers, I drink. If I'm with smokers, I smoke. If I'm with intelligent people, I talk about simple stuff as if it were something as deep as the ocean. If I'm with writers and poets, I start to like poems and stories three notches higher than I normally do. If I'm with rebels, I talk bad about my folks. If I'm with religious people, I talk like I never miss church. If I'm with leaders, I act like a leader.

I'm not sure if it was a complement or an insult. Tawi assured me that it was a good thing. But something about it was telling me otherwise. And the thing is, I couldn't get mad because all of the things he said are true. I am a chameleon. People see me as the person I show them I am. Some people view me as a bitch, but some see me as a nerd. Some think I'm intelligent and some think I'm nothing but a student who went astray. Some see how responsible I am, and some see the lazy nobody in me. What bothers me the most is that I try to keep the images I've projected to the different groups. Instead of correcting them so I can be just one person, I make things worse by making more of my "personalities."

It's getting harder and harder for me. I can't even light a cigarette without making sure that nobody is around who knows me as the type of person who would never smoke.

As much as I'm having the time of my life with everybody else, when I'm alone, I don't really know who I am. I keep asking myself if I'm happy with what I have become. Time by myself has become a burden. That is why I always want to be surrounded by people. Being alone makes me do things like what I'm doing now - pouring my heart out in some stupid entry for everybody to see. Then again, the readers just might be able to help me find out who I am.

What's the chameleon's real color? Only when the chameleon stops trying to change, that's when we'll know.

I hope that day comes.

The melodrama of it all...

2006-05-04T19:11:00.000-07:00

With just a measly sentence, the most important thing in the world to me right now – the one I’ve slaved over and spent too much time on – suddenly doesn’t matter anymore.

They’re breaking SU Team B up…my team.

Stacy, our first speaker, was transferred to Team A to replace Charmaine, their whip. I know that being in Team A is a privilege, much more an opportunity that doesn’t just come to anyone. Being on that team means a greater chance of breaking…a bigger possibility of facing the top debaters in the Philippines and even Asia. If you aren’t any good, you can kiss your dreams of being in team A goodbye. Which is why I’m very proud of Stacy…I’m glad she was picked, from among everybody else, to be in the premier SU team.

But the thing is…Stacy is part of OUR team. Together with Bryce, we have shared a lot of things already – debate strategies, matter, and even chizmax. We meet during free time just to work on our debating approach, in preparation for the next tournaments. We ride home together after debating, courtesy of Mr. Alcantara, just to evaluate our performance and decide how we could do better. Everyone in SUDS can attest to the chemistry we have as a team. We work well together. The three of us work.

When Mark broke the news that he had to get one person from our team to fill in for Charmaine, I felt heartbroken. I’m quite sure that Bryce and Stacy were, too. And it’s not that it means we have to get someone else to complete our team, it’s just that we can’t let anybody go without feeling as if a body part is being detached from our body. Yes, it can be replaced, but…it wouldn’t be the same. I remember being very emotional while the juju was explaining everything to us. He made sense actually, but at that time, I felt like he was talking crap. Other people who were there knew how hard it was for us; heck, even RJ and Noel (the best debaters we’ve got), offered to just adjudicate during the AUDC just so our team wouldn’t break up. Thanks guys, but even we won’t allow that to happen.

I know I’m being overly melodramatic about all this but it just feels so painful. It’s a known fact that in debating, you can never expect anything. Things are bound to be different, everything is bound to change…which means everybody should know how to adjust. If I ever want to be a good debater, I should learn to adjust. I should rid of this feeling of attachment to my teammates, or my tendency to panic in debates. I guess aside from the whole debate process, I still have to learn these lessons.

But right now, I have every prerogative to sulk, and mull over this unfortunate situation. I hate it… but I have to live with it.

Hahay...

I honestly don’t feel like debating right now…

hihi

2006-01-29T16:33:00.000-08:00

Heya peeps! Am new at blogspot so I hope y'all treat me right, hehe. Anywayz, since I won't be making friends here, I'll just put here my deepest and darkest secrets. No one will know anyway...hehe. PEESH OUTT!